The Lass.

Moving Day.

2008-04-18T10:09:00.005-05:00

Hitching up the helper monkeys and heading over to WORDPRESS.

I'm too lazy to bother with importing anything so it will be a fresh start, yet the same old shit. So fresh, yet so stale! If you are ever waxing nostalgic, you can come back here to read or even go HERE for the wayback machine.

See you at WP, America.

It is not ours to judge. Rather, it is ours to mock, deride and poke with a stick.

2008-04-17T21:25:00.009-05:00

Remember THIS POST, in which I dissed the dog massagers? Well, check out the comments because apparently one of them DID NOT APPRECIATE my tone. (And was too chickenshit to leave a name, as is often the case when I get negative comments or email.)** Here is my letter to you, Anonymous Dog Molester...er...therapist.

Dear Anonymous,

I do know what kinesiology is. And if you want to apply those techniques to dogs, well, how kind and helpful of you. And if people are stupid enough to pay you to do so, then I seriously need to consider a career change. Now if you'll please answer a question from me: Do you know what the terms "misplaced anger" and "pseudo-science" mean?

Your internet pal,

Lass

p.s. Hooray for being a crazy-magnet this week!

Teacher, teacher teach me more.

2008-04-17T18:08:00.003-05:00

My mom is a retired teacher and school administrator. My dad's parents were the only teachers in his West Virginia mountain town, teaching grades K-8 in a two-room school for over twenty years.

I don't think there is anyone walking this earth whose life hasn't been enriched in some way by a teacher. It may have been a small encouragement or a huge push, but I know we've all had this experience.

Right now, this week, THIS FELLOW is trying to make the life of his students better. One student in particular, whose laptop was stolen a while back. If you can, please go to his page, click the link and make a donation. Thanks. (And thanks to Harriet for bringing this to my attention.)

The postman always honks thrice.

2008-04-17T10:18:00.007-05:00

I sat at my desk this morning, happily typing away while the lazy mailman sat in his truck, honking once, twice, three times ('cause I'm a laaaady). I finally heard his heavy footsteps on the porch and the thud of our mail being deposited at the front door. Ha-ha, lazy mailman.

In the mail were notecards from you, Claudia! Despite your having addressed the envelope correctly, it apparently floated around the state of Texas for a while and is mysteriously stamped with the words "Missent to the State of Texas Comptroller of Public Accounts". Anyhow, they're fabulous and will be put to good use. You can "quote" me on "that".

Dear Zooey Deschanel: You can't sing. Please, please stop. For those of you who have been spared, her voice is eerily, chalkboard- scratchingly like that of Susan Alexander Kane's in "Citizen Kane." Ouch.

Among the things I loaded onto my ippppppoooood the other day was an orchestral version of "Carmen". And god help me, every time I hear the Toreador song I mentally sing along with the Three Stooges' lyrics: "Toreador, don't spit on the floor...use a cuspidor...that's what it's for!" And I laugh. Because I am disabled. You know, by my autism and arrested development and stuff. WHERE'S MY GODDAM MONKEY??!!

Um.

I find myself with much to do today and no real interest in doing any of it. Perhaps if I get myself off the computer I will find the will and the way.

Tally ho ho ho.

Update

2008-04-16T18:50:00.003-05:00

*****

Here's a better picture of the logo on my shirt, for those of you who asked:

Admit it. You just laughed. Didn't you.

DO NOT TOUCH THE LASS.

2008-04-16T12:46:00.005-05:00

*****

Ok, so I when I ordered Harriet her mug, I got myself one of these shirts:

I put it on for the first time today and off I went to do my walking. About mid-way through the walk, I felt someone pull on my left wrist from behind. Now, this all happened fast and my first instinct was to spin on my heel and raise my right fist because I didn't know what the fuck was going on. As I spun around, this woman grabbed my left wrist again and was shouting "EXCUSE ME!" at me because I still had my headphones in. I took them out and she said, pointing to my shirt, "I just want you to know that I think your t shirt is in VERY poor taste". Before I could say anything, she went into a rant about her disabled nephew and how dare I make fun of the disabled and on and on all the while still grasping my wrist. When she finally shut up I said, as calmly as I could, "First of all, you need to get your hands off me, right now. Second of all, Helping Hands is a real organization so fuck off." Before she could say anything else, I put the headphones back in my ears and left her in the dust.

I would never mock the disabled (everyone else, yes) and I guess I do feel a little guilty, although I can't exactly say why. But I would have felt more guilty if I had instinctually punched her in the face. There's always tomorrow.

Random factoids.

2008-04-16T07:40:00.002-05:00

I like grits. With cheese and hot sauce. They are calorically equal to the piece of toast with butter I usually have with my breakfast and much more filling.

When I read in the local paper that Ministry will be playing in Austin this week, my first thought was,"I can't believe Al Jourgensen hasn't been stabbed to death yet". (Any of you who are unfortunate enough to know him will completely understand that statement.) My second thought was "Who the hell will pay $45 to see those guys?". Fo shiz, America.

I had a lot of email and phone contact with my Chicago friends this week and it made me a little homesick. For them, not Chicago.

I was looking through UT's informal class schedule and was horrified to discover that they offer a class in "canine massage". (You know, what most of us call "petting".) I'm tempted to borrow a dog and take the class because I think there could be a good article in that experience. At least.

Also while looking through that schedule I saw a call for instructors/course ideas for the fall session. I printed out an application for S., who might teach a cooking course of some sort and then I went back and printed one out for myself. I have a few ideas...and hell, if they'll approve canine massage as a course, how good an idea do I really need?

Another article I had brewing a few years ago came roaring back into my head yesterday and I'm going to try again to coax the subject to speak with me. For some intangible reason, the time feels right to approach him again. He's quite elderly and I'd like to get him on tape before it's too late.

And now, I am going to head out to the hiking trail with my newly refilled ipppppoooood. Yay!

As the great sage Iggy Pop once put it: "Blah blah blah."

2008-04-15T15:29:00.003-05:00

Eaten so far today:

Delicious poblano and onion and cheese and bacon breakfast tacos with homemade salsa, left in the fridge for me by my loving husband.
Yogurt.
Part of a Greek salad.
Almonds.
Cherry pie flavored Lara bar.
*****

Bought today:

Plants: French tarragon, Italian parsley, lavender.
Food: Yogurt, bananas, spinach, tabouli, apples, tamari almonds, wine, habanero jelly.
Other: Sandalwood soap, pants, skirt, skort, sundry household items.
***

Overheard today:

One of the bitchiest, most passive-aggressive tirades one could ever hope to endure. Thankfully, it was not directed at me. The "tirader" was a manager at Kohl's and the recipient of her bullshit was the cashier at whose counter I was standing. The tirade involved breaks and who can take breaks and who can go afford to go to Red Robin and who is poor and has to eat at Wendy's and all kinds of other earth-shattering topics. All of this while an entire line of people waited to check out. I was hungry and had to pee and I wanted to kill her. As she walked away, the woman in line behind me said, "God, what a BITCH!" loud enough for everyone including the manager to hear and for a split second I thought I was going to see a fight...but no such luck.
*****

Views exchanged in an email with rockstar today:

Rockstar: Thought you'd enjoy this pic from the Tribune. It's J's old girlfriend being evacuated from the Blue Line this morning. Do you remember her?

Me: Yes, I remember her. What an insufferable bitch.

Rockstar: I had to remind S. who she was - she had, as she put it, "Willed that whore out of my mind." Also, my bartender at the Gold Star last night was JS. He said to tell you hi.

Me: Next time you see him ask him if he misses losing to me at Scrabble EVERY SINGLE TIME WE PLAYED.
*****

Other stuff I did:

Figured out what I was doing wrong with iTOOOOOns. Finally. I am an idiot.
Wrote.
Spoke with my sister.
*****

The end.

Why yes, I am living in my own private Idaho. Thanks for asking.

2008-04-14T14:28:00.008-05:00

Thought I had while walking today: If Tammy Wynette came back from the dead and challenged Loretta Lynn to a fight, my money would be on Loretta. They both strike me as strong women, but Loretta has that Kentucky holler scrappiness in her and would send Tammy on a one-way trip to Fist City in record time. Would you fuck with someone who could "Grab you by the hair of the head and a'lift you off-a the ground"? I didn't think so. And yes, I am quite the deep thinker on my little jaunts.

S. and I have been invited to house-sit for one of his VIP clients and we quickly said HELL yes. It will mean a lovely long weekend in a gated, century-old mansion on a hill in the city's historic district. Hmm...do we want to swim? Sit on the loggia with cocktails? Walk in the gardens? Sleep in a famous author's bed? Dahling, we'll simply have to do it all! It's kind of like my "From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler" fantasies coming true at last.

I am almost finished with THIS BOOK and am anxious to hear from others of you who might have read it. I was a little surprised by the heavy-handedness with which the authors, advocates for mental health reform, remind the reader constantly that OH MY GOD STATE MENTAL HOSPITALS AND EVERYONE ASSOCIATED WITH THEM WERE HORRIBLE!!! Not that the horrors weren't real but one chapter outling the whys and hows of that would have sufficed. My own grandmother died under suspicious circumstances in a state mental hospital in West Virginia so it's not that I can't get outraged by this stuff...However, the authors don't do themselves or their subjects any favors by painting the entire mental health system as evil (one doctor is, in fact, referred to as "the devil".) Some of the patients were obviously disturbed. Others might have been considered borderline by today's standards. But how can you condemn an entire industry in retrospect? Were some of the treatments cruel, either physically or in their capriciousness? Yes. But the patients were treated according to the standards of medicine at the time. The authors are so unrelenting in interjecting their condemnation of the mental health field into the patients' stories that you're left feeling like they care less about these compelling stories and more about promoting their own agenda. So...that's been disappointing and I think it takes away from the individual stories being laid out in the book. Anyhow, Harriet and Claudia, I think you both mentioned getting the book. When/if you've read it, I'd love to hear what you thought.

In deadlier news, there was another partial baby bunny on the porch this morning. (That makes the tally Stevie: 3 Rabbits: 0, for those of you keeping track.) I read online that rabbit litters can range from 4-12 bunnies and I am really, really hoping that we aren't in for two more weeks of this. Stevie is still coming in for breakfast and dinner every day, so it's not like he's particularly hungry. Short of keeping him inside for a while (something that makes him and us miserable), I don't know what we can do. Rabbits, beware the ides of Steve.

Let's see, what else...do you want to hear about the dreams I had last night, which included one in which my dad was driving about 200 miles per hour around a parking lot and another in which I was lost in Paris and was being followed by Steve Martin/Inspector Clouseau? No? Well then carry on with your day, America.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday...

2008-04-13T11:41:00.003-05:00

The weather is absolutely perfect here. After an early warm-up to the 90's, we are now having clear, dry, sunny days in the mid and high 70's. It is ideal.

I'm going to be moving this mess to Wordpress in a week or so. Why? Because I got a kickass wordpress template with a monkey on it. That's why. I'll post a link soon. I am also considering starting a new, anonymous writing blog. My original intent in blogging was to use my blog as an writing exercise and a way to garner some feedback on my efforts without ever revealing anything about myself. Over time, my blog has evolved into more of a daily accounting of my existence and while yes, that is fascinating, I think I need to have another outlet. I enjoy writing this and enjoy the friendships that have evolved through it. But I am feeling like I want to go back into hiding a bit. We'll see.

The ex-charges and their folks came over earlier to take bluebonnet pictures* in our pasture and to have lunch. I don't miss working 50 hours a week but man...I miss those kids. They are so sweet. Their mom and I have been talking about the possibility of me working 2-3 hours a day next fall and I may decide to do that. I don't want to put myself in any kind of working situation that is too comfortable, though. Complacent me = uncreative me and I feel like I just pulled myself out of that, so...

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

*Taking pictures of your kids in a patch of bluebonnets is nothing short of a rite of spring in Texas. It's very common to see people pulled over on highway medians and ranch roads taking pictures of their kids or pets, often with little regard for oncoming traffic. The charges' mom called me yesterday to see if they could use our pasture instead of, as she put it "making our kids potential roadkill for the third year in a row".

Kill the wabbit!

2008-04-12T08:12:00.005-05:00

So, S. arrived home late last night to find Stevie on the porch, just finishing up his evisceration/devouring of another baby rabbit. When S. came up the porch, Stevie reacted by jerking his head around, which in turn sent baby rabbit parts flying across the porch. Welcome home! I am a bit distressed by Stevie's penchant for young victims but I'm not sure what we can do about it. He's an outdoor cat and he does what outdoor cats do.

Minor fashion disaster looming: the dress I bought to wear to S's brother's nuptials is juuuust fitting. I haven't gained any weight so I am thinking that it's the new musculature I'm developing from walking. Particularly in the glutes (or "ass" as we laypeople call it). The dress was a pretty close fit when I bought it and it still looks good but it will not be comfortable to move around in for long. So, I am going to count points for a couple of weeks and hope a weight loss of five pounds or so will make it a little more comfy. And because I am a planner, I ordered a backup last night. The backup is nice but kinda "eh" so I really hope I can make the first one work.

I am just starting to get into the world of podcasts - if anyone out there has a favorite to recommend, please do. My favorites so far are DOWNTOWN SOULVILLE and the SMITHSONIAN FOLKWAYS casts. Oh, and my efforts to download stuff onto my ipaaad yesterday? Unsuccessful. Which I didn't find out until I was on the walking path with the headphones in my ears. At that very moment, I realized what I'd done wrong and when I got home I was able to sync the stupid thing up but GAAAAH. I need that helper monkey, stat.

Gahuuuuuruuu Posting of the Week!

2008-04-11T13:23:00.004-05:00

Profile ID: xxxxxx
Title: Real estate Economic stimulation project
Project ID: xxxxxx

Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
"With a grant of $100,000 our team can hire our asistant full time, and
our transaction coordinator employing two people full time. We will put
50,000 directly back into the economy with printing, sign making, new
product support, wages, misc. small business, such as real estate
guide, book, and harmon homes; this will bring abundance of quality buyer
leads, that will lead to home sales more money in the publics pockets to
pump back into the economy. We will also help many investors buy
properties to make jobs, and add more money pouring into the local economy.
We would like to start a non-profit real estate tour that gives every
dollar to KW cares, and other local charities, this will further promote
home purchases, and local spending to make our economy better; this
grant will launch us into a major economic contributer, and I think with
the current market downturn our industry is in need of assistance, so
the national economy can avoid recession. If each local market gets an
influx of financial aid I think we can really bring the economy back to
life. When the airlines were filing bankruptcy the government came to
thier aid, well the housing market is in trouble, and it needs aid to
keep our nation afloat."

The wee folk are after me.

2008-04-11T07:54:00.004-05:00

I woke up early this morning, pulled on a sweatshirt, opened the front door to get the paper...and then I saw it. The tiny rabbit head on the doorstep. Next to it, two tiny rabbit legs. What does this mean? Has the Leprechaun Mob finally tracked me down? Or is Stevie is a baby killer? More importantly, would anyone like to come over and hose the blood off the porch? Because disposing of the body parts made me gag and I think that's about all I want to deal with this morning. I don't want to be too disgusting, but I am amazed at the thoroughness with which Steve enjoys a fresh kill. He rarely leaves more than the head and tail of anything unless it's a bird, in which case he prefers to wound it and leave it flapping in the yard. So yeah, goooooood morning!

S. and I have been playing horseshoes in the evening and I am actually becoming somewhat good at it. You wouldn't think throwing a piece of metal around a pole requires that much skill but it does. S. is still better than me but he has years of Texas-childhood-horseshoe-playing on me. We have also been sitting out in the backyard looking at birds a lot lately. As S. once put it, we make good old people. I'm okay with that.

Did I promise you some funky dishtowels oh...months ago? Well, let me tell you a story. A story about a woman who gets very frustrated when learning new things. A woman whose first attempts at embroidery ended up balled up in a box. But I am starting anew, YOU TWO and should have something to send each of you within a week or so. No hard promises, but I did start them yesterday and so far, so good.

I have spent part of this morning trying to import music onto my iPawwwwd and it has been, to say the least, frustrating. Technology, even at this 'everyone else in the world can do this' level is hard for me to grasp. Why? Because I am both stupid and impatient. And because I don't retain technical information at all - I haven't loaded anything onto this stupid thing for about a month and I am having to re-teach myself everything. Is that my autism or Amishness? You be the judge.

I wonder where in the world Alicia Keys could be...*

2008-04-10T12:18:00.004-05:00

*****
Our day began with a 6:30am wake-up call from the skies above, in the form of one of the loudest cracks of thunder I've ever heard. I simultaneously woke up, jumped out of bed and realized that I had a hellacious headache. Whether it was caused by the rude awakening, I don't know, but it took me a few hours and copious Advil intake to send it away. I can still feel it lurking at the side of my skull but am hoping that some fresh air and coffee will keep it at bay.

So...what's new, internet? How are things?

I neglected to mention my trip to the Sp**nt store earlier this week. My newish phone died and while they did just fine by me (new phone for free), the fellow at the desk next to me was not so happy. Let's call him Mr. Teardrop Tattoo. He apparently had an "bitch" who dropped his phone at that location "Yo I dunno, like a month or two ago" and the store reps couldn't find it in their system. Nor could Mr. TT tell them the make, model or phone number of his alleged missing phone. Nor could he call said "bitch" because "she out my life, yo". The clerk was trying to be helpful while Mr. TT ranted, raved, banged his fist on the desk, yelling "Y'all need to get me my mothafuckin' phone!" I thought there was going to be some kind of altercation until a large muscular tech worker came out from the back of the store and stood silently nearby. At that point, Mr. TT said, "Oh, I see how this is gonna go" and left. Can I tell how glad I am that I don't work retail anywhere? Because one of two things would have happened had I been that clerk. A) I would have told the guy to take his lying, gangbanging ass elsewhere and he would have killed me or (more likely) B) I would have called 911 and hoped the cops would get there BEFORE he killed me.

I could go into a really long, incoherent old lady rant about how society is going to hell in a handbasket, but I won't. I seriously yearn for the days of more polite society. And that's me talking, America. I don't like being confronted with that kind of shit when going about the mundane tasks of my life. It's unsettling, partly because it's scary and partly because it brings up a huge well of unfocused anger in me. Blah. It's a wonder to me that I was able to live in a gritty urban environment for as long as I did. To do so means being on constant alert at some subconscious level and I do not miss that. At all.

Did I say I wouldn't go into an incoherent old lady rant? Oops. Now get the hell off my lawn!

*A lame prize of some sort to goes to whoever can figure out today's title tie-in.
****

"I'm pulverized by this latest thing!"

2008-04-09T11:57:00.006-05:00

The wife of Edie Bouvier Beale's nephew has started the GREY GARDENS COLLECTIONS. She is even offering opera glasses and bridal goodies. I'm not sure what I think about this. There are a few tempting items, but if you really want the Edie look, wouldn't it be cheaper to wrap an old sweater around your head and hit up the local Salvation Army for some costume jewelry?

I spent a few hours at the laundromat this morning (because that's what a housewife does with her time, don'tcha know). I like laundromats. In fact, I like doing laundry - for much the same reasons that I like vacuuming and mowing the lawn. They are all jobs that have a ritualistic, meditative quality and they can be finished in an hour or two. The laundromat I frequent is especially nice because no matter what day of the week I go, the same old man is there. We always have a good chat. Today he finally confessed to me what I've long suspected - that he does small loads of laundry every day just to get out of his house and have some interaction with people. He said, "That must seem pathetic to you." My response was, "No, it seems sensible." He liked that.

Remember those nine-mile walks I was taking every day? I haven't done one in about two weeks. I have done some shorter walks here and there but I need to get back into my routine. This is how my exercising tends to go, though - I am gung-ho for two or three weeks, then slack off, then get excited about it again. Since I haven't gained any weight, I guess this is ok but I have to think that it would be better for me to do at least a little bit every day. I think this summer I am going to try a swimming/walking regimen. Swim one day, walk the next. I still need to tone my stomach muscles a bit and the walking doesn't really do much for that. How fascinating this must be for all of you...

Have any of you California people spent time in Oceanside recently? If so, want to recommend some eating/drinking establishments for me? We're taking a family vacay out there in June and while I do tons of online and guidebook research prior to any trip, I always like to have some recommendations from locals. Particularly when it comes to dining and hanging out with drunks.

The pile of junk on my desk is threatening to fall down and bury me, so I think I'll go try to wade through some of it. Oh happy day to you all.

Taxation without justification.

2008-04-08T16:51:00.003-05:00

I gathered the info. for our taxes this year and S., brave soul, volunteered to do the actual number-crunching and form-filling-outing. And lo, our taxes are done. Some thoughts and observations:

Have any of you ever answered "yes" to the question "Do you want $3 to go to the Presidential Election Campaign"? I have not and will not, ever. I don't really feel the need to give billionaires help with their efforts to control the country. But maybe that's just me.

I listed my occupation this year as "housewife". I did this because A) it gave me a chuckle and B) because it sounds better than "unemployed" or "temporarily living off inheritance while trying to jump-start writing career".

The whole tax process gives me the willies and makes me so helplessly angry that I put it off until the last minute every year. If we could designate where even a small fraction of our tax monies go, I would feel better. Instead, it feels like my money is being strong-armed from me by warmongering bullies. Because it is.

Grr.

Neigh-sayers.

2008-04-08T08:21:00.004-05:00

About five minutes after S. left for work this morning, he called to tell me that our neighbor's horses were loose in the road - I called our landlady and within about two minutes, there were two OTHER neighbors out in the road with buckets of feed, leading the horses to safety. We were particularly worried because it's rush hour (such as we have it down here) and we know that one of the horses has a colt. Anyhow, crisis solved. This valley is populated by "horse people", as my landlady calls them, and it was nice to see them spring into quick action.

I found out that the horses we can see across our pasture (the meeting-holders) belong to my landlady's sister. They are two mama horses and their babies. Here's a sad confession: I love looking at horses but I am terrified of them. When I was about six, my mom and I watched in horror as my sister's horse almost threw her off during a show - the horse went up on hind legs twice and my dad leapt across a corral fence to get the horse under control as my mom grasped my arm and yelled, "Oh my god, Bob! Help her!". That pretty much killed any urge I had to ride a horse. But, I digress.

You know what I'm reading? A book. A really good book. YOU need to get an agent, missy. Fo shiz.

There is a stray cat hanging around our little group of houses - one of the neighbors is feeding it and it is cute, but I have to stave off my kitty urges because I don't want Stevie fighting it. I've seen it in the yard a few times - we don't leave food out because of the coyotes so hopefully the stray will realize there's nothing here but trouble in a Stevie-shaped package and not hang around much.

I have to go to Office Depot today for disks and that means struggling against my office-supply jones. I love buying pens. And paper. It's really a problem because I end up with desk-drawers full of post-it notes, index cards, pens, pencils, legal pads and all kinds of related stuff. But I do still write by hand (I'm a throw-back) so it all eventually gets used. How's this for TMI - I get an almost physical pleasure from the act of writing with pen on paper. Especially if I find a style of pen I really like. My all-time fave is the lowly Bic stic pen, but I have also become enamored of the Uniball Vision Elite, which writes like a fountain pen. Particularly the Vision Elite medium point with blue-black ink. Try it, America! It's fabulous.

Recapping: horses on the loose, stray kitty, Claudia's book kicks ass and I have a pen fetish. I wish you all a fine day.

Attention: Brides-to-Be

2008-04-07T19:45:00.003-05:00

While waiting in line at the airport this weekend, I noticed that the guy in front of me was toting a soft-sided six-pack cooler. It was pale green and on it was embossed in gold lettering "Abbey and Jeff 4-05-2008", then a big picture of the state of Texas, then this motto: "To have and to hold and to keep your beer cold." Sadly, I didn't have my camera with me but I think you can get a good mental visual from the description.

I dare you. All of you. Do it.

Yep.

2008-04-07T15:28:00.009-05:00

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Look ma! No hands!"

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

******

Sleepy in the teepee.

2008-04-07T11:47:00.003-05:00

Ack. I overslept this morning, which means I had all kinds of weird dreams and woke up in a panic.

The dream I remember most clearly: Through some series of mistakes, S. and I had rented two apartments. We couldn't get out of either lease, so we were living in two places and I could never remember where I was having the mail sent or where certain items of clothing were and it was driving me nuts. It also was making us broke so S. took a second job somewhere and I took a job as a nanny for some really crazy wealthy woman who was giving me these vague, un-childcare-related tasks to do ("put those coats someplace - no not THERE..."). Eeeeeeeek. I decided to quit the job and suddenly I was back in the house we actually DO live in, showing my dad around. He was admiring the view out my office windows and I showed him some things I've been writing. He said, "I saw you and Ethan at the creek the other day. It made me want to visit you." and then he climbed out through the windows and walked into the field behind our house. Hi, dad.

After shaking off the sleep, I opened the front door and found that the lazy mailman actually brought some packages up to to the porch this morning. Who knows how long he sat out there honking his horn while I was sawing logs...Anyhow, now that he has done this once, I plan to ignore any future horn honks - he can fucking do his job. (This is the guy who sits up on the road, honking rather than walking the thirty steps to our porch to deliver packages.)

So...half of my planned work day is gone to the sleepy underworld and I need to look at my task list and get to it. Tally ho.

Speak ill of the dead? Why, I'd love to!

2008-04-06T15:46:00.006-05:00

Oh sure, Charlton Heston's horrible emotive acting brought us YEARS OF YUCKS.

But you know what isn't funny? Promoting the proliferation of guns in this country with bullshit LIKE THIS.

Enjoy the flames of hell, Chuck.

In which I eat too much and have "famous hook-ups".

2008-04-06T11:11:00.006-05:00

The twelve-year-old snack palate is almost identical to my middle-aged PMS palate so it was a weekend filled with bad, bad eating. Pie, chocolate chip cookies, Cheezits, barbeque potato chips....all were consumed with great gusto. Among the treats the nephew bought himself were a funny but disgusting-looking "Gummi Mexican Dinner" (pictured below) and THIS SHIRT.

Yesterday the nephew decided that we should have a party for S., who had to work part of the afternoon. So we bought balloons and streamers and treats and the nevvie set about decorating the house. The WHOLE house. The results:

S. got home around ten and the party consisted mostly of us eating too much and laughing our asses off at Chris Walken on SNL. During SNL the nephew and I had this conversation:

E: Is that your old neighbor Fred?
Me: Yes.
E: Do you still know him?
Me: Yes.
E: Don't you also know (rockstar)?
Me: Yes.
E: You have a lot of famous hook-ups.

But I like my family hook-ups best of all. Even when they pass me in height at age 12. My sister has bred a family of giants, America.

All hail!

2008-04-04T08:27:00.003-05:00

S., whose car has been crashed into twice in the past three weeks, called around 8 this morning to inform me that he was on the side of the road under a tree, riding out a storm that was dumping dime-to-quarter size hail. Other than that, how'd you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

Yesterday I exhausted the nephew early by making him walk 5 miles with me in the heat and humidity. I forget how tiring the heat can be when you're not used to it. Sorry, E! I made up for it with movies and shopping - he got a stylish disguise kit, a book and some bacon-and-egg shaped bandaids - gotta love the 12-year-old mind. At dinner later, S. and I watched, somewhat astounded, as he ate almost an entire pizza. We didn't make it to the junk shops yesterday so that's our plan on this rainy morning, followed by a swim if the weather clears. Last night as we were all going to bed he said to me, "Rie, I love Texas. Thank you so much for letting me come visit you." Awww. He is the middle child of five and doesn't get a lot of individual attention. I also think his position within the family has made him a lot more laid-back than some of his siblings.

The nevvie is lounging on the couch, watching "The Jerk" and I should probably get us some breakfast. Happy Friday, everyone.

Phamily Phun!

2008-04-03T08:52:00.002-05:00

The nevvie arrived on schedule and we went directly from the airport to McKinney Falls for a hike - he was thrilled. We saw turtles and an egret and he spent some time trying to catch tadpoles out of the same pond his brothers were catching them out of on Sunday. He sent us a list of things he wants to do while here so we are trying to pack in some full days for him. This boy is 12 and has always been the nature child in his family. As we hiked yesterday he kept saying, "This is sooo beautiful!" and "I wish I lived in Texas." We came home and he helped me make dinner, then he and S. played horseshoes in the backyard until the sun went down. Today we are going to go to some junk stores, walk on the Town Lake trail and then meet S. for some canoeing and swimming. He is such a pleasant, quirky kid. I wish we had scheduled him in for a longer visit.

S. was tapped for two more private events yesterday - one of which sprung from a previous gig and the other which has the potential to lead to a lot more work. As my nephew put it, "People are starting to know who S. is." True, dat. He works his ass off and it's nice to see him reaping some benefits from it. Plus I get really good leftovers. REALLY good.

I think it's time to wake the nephew and get this show on the road. Tally ho.

In the highways, in the hedges...

2008-04-02T08:16:00.005-05:00

Me: (looking out at the horses gathered under a tree in the pasture) Look, they're having their morning meeting. They do that every day.
S. : (looks out) They're sleeping.
Me: No. They're having a meeting. Don't you know anything about horses?
S: Oh, I know about horses.
Me: For example, do you know what hay is for? Hay is for horses.
S: (groans) I've gotta go.

Don't you wish you were married to a world-class comedian like me? You could have this kind of comedy gold every morning! Before you've had a chance to fully wake up!! Imagine the fun!

While Googling today's title, I stumbled upon GODTUBE. (Warning: link contains off-key praising by an Aryan spawn.) Broadcast Him, indeed. I didn't go any further into the site because it scared me. If any of you are brave enough to delve more deeply, do come back and tell me what you've found.

Has anyone seen the WILLARD SUITCASE EXHIBIT? I was unaware of it until recently and have just ordered the book. The stories are sad but compelling and I would love to catch the exhibit if it ever comes through Texas. Of course, we tend to execute the mentally ill here so perhaps there wouldn't be a huge audience... Anyhow, I thought it was a link worth sharing.

And now I must run some errands in preparation for the arrival of yet another nephew today. I wish you all a fine, fine day.

I pity the fool.

2008-04-01T11:03:00.006-05:00

*****
First, the important news: CLAUDIA has finished her novel!! I am very proud of you, missy. Everyone get over to her page and congratulate her. Right now.

I have no jokes planned for today but I have a feeling my sister has found a few rubber spiders and other items laying around her house this morning. At least. Sorry, Peej.

I did just spend a foolish amount of money on a bathing ensemble. I have a perfectly good suit from last year but the print is a bit conservative and I wanted something more fun for my summer trips and frolics. So I got these:
The bottoms are reversible and the skirt was kind of unnecessary but there you have it. How fresh, how stylish I will be. Unless I keep eating these evil things:
My sister introduced me to them a few weeks ago and it's been downhill from there. They are sooo good, though. SO good. Really, really good. Damn it.

Best of last week's Goo-roo...now with translations!

2008-03-31T16:56:00.007-05:00

*****
Need someone to research the availability of grants for someone who
studies and documents sky activity. Company called sky watcher so need
funds for research and expansion.
TRANSLATION: Need money for psychiatric medications, lawsuits against the government's mind-control agency and tinfoil for some new hats.

******
A grant & business plan for a start up business making mini furniture
out of wood for a verity of usees.
TRANSLATION: I have too much free time.

******
I am a Hispanic woman looking for a government grant for extending my
job/vocational training for both of my small businesses. I own a
remodeling company, and want grant money to pay for licensing, start up costs,
and certification fees. I am also a yoga teacher and teach yoga to
both privately and in group classes. I want money to further my yoga
certification and to be able to travel to study in India (and other places
around the world) with a special guru, which will provide me with
further credentials. I am also a writer and want to write about my
experiences learning and sharing yoga around the world. I have purchased grant
writing software, and I have filled out proposals, but it seems daunting
trying to figure out which grants to apply for. I think that that is
my biggest challenge, as i have heard that there are many grants
available to small business owners, especially women.
TRANSLATION: Please help me finance a vacation to India and some yoga classes.

*****
I am looking for a paralegal or good writer whom can help me write a
letter or document to defend certain actions I took to complete and
assignment to get paid, someone whom can take notes and create document. I
can upload files needed for the report need. I am looking for someone
whom would have the privilege to donate their time.
TRANSLATION: I offer you the vaguely ironic 'privilege' of working for free for someone who is suing someone else for non-payment.

*****
Project Description:Article about the renewed popularity of group fitness Compare to yesterday's group x. Not just aerobics anymore. How group exercise draws people into a club, retains members. Phychological benefits of working out in a group.
TRANSLATION: I am Richard Simmons.

Score!

2008-03-31T10:09:00.002-05:00

The nevvies and I hit Congress Avenue yesterday. I scored THIS AWESOME GIFT WRAP and a girly, purple version of this T SHIRT, which I'll add to my fabulous array of ridiculous exercise tees. (Think glittery ponies, stupid slogans, etc.)

Today will be spent doing errands and planning day trips in preparation for the other nephew's arrival this Wednesday. I was exhausted by the time our other guests left but by Wednesday I should be refreshed and ready for more fun.

And, because I have next-to-nothing to say today, I urge you all to enter the SKUNK POETRY CONTEST. Remember: your poems "should involve skunks in a significant way (but skunks can be used metaphorically);try to look beyond the smell; think about what other qualities skunks possess that might be poem-worthy."

burp

2008-03-30T08:17:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we split into two groups - one faction did the canoeing while my older nephew and I walked about 5 miles on the Town Lake trails. (Nephew got to meet shiftless hippie dude, who is apparently my new best friend. Why did I ever say hello to that asshole?!) Anyhow...we had fun. After a food stop at which we all ate too much and some of us consumed too many Lone Star tall-boys, we went hiking at McKinney Falls. The falls were pretty low on water, which mean the hike was drier and easier than usual. Given our full and tipsy states, I think that was probably a good thing. But the best part of the day came around dinner time, when we all parked it in the hotel hot tub, alternated with brief dips in the freezing cold pool, until about 9pm. S. and I headed for home with a brief stop at the Waffle House (cheese grits with hot sauce!!!) A lovely day all around.

Today we are going to head downtown and then back to the house to relax until it's time for their flight. The visit was short but we managed to do a lot and I have two days of recovery time before the next visitor arrives, so all is well.

Yay!

2008-03-29T08:36:00.002-05:00

The nephews and their dad finally arrived around 2am Saturday. They toured the UT biology department yesterday and then we came back to the house to help S. with the load out for his dinner. (No Nutter Butters were served, for those of you on the edge of your seats.) After that it was back to the hotel for swimming and lazing, then we went out for dinner. Post-dinner, the older nephew came back to the house with me and we had a great conversation about all sorts of things. My sister and her husband are phenomenal parents. Their kids aren't perfect but they are very "together" in ways that I never was at their age. (Or possibly now...) I like them.

Our weather, which had been sunny and hot has turned cloudy and cool but despite that, we are planning to do some hiking and canoeing today. They'll leave late tomorrow, then two days later one of their younger brothers is coming in for a four-day visit. I am really looking forward to that as well. That particular nephew has a great bond with S. and it's always fun to have him around.

Did you know that cardinals sometimes call at night? ALL night? Gah. We have cardinals nesting in the jasmine (which is right outside our bedroom window) and for several weeks, we have been treated to an all-night cardinal fest. I finally read up on this behavior and guess what? If you leave a light on near a cardinal's nest, they think it's daytime. D'oh. I left the porch light off last night and the little dickens didn't utter a peep until the sun started coming up.

Our field is positively aburst with color. In the past several days the vervain, bluebonnets, paints, blanketflower, yellow primrose and some other little pink and orange-y things have burst open and it's even more lovely than earlier this week. Even my nephews commented on how, well maybe not pretty, but colorful the field is. I love this time of year.

Recapping: nephews, food, canoeing, pretty flowers.

A behind-the-scenes peek into the glamorous world of the private chef.

2008-03-28T07:52:00.005-05:00

****
Overheard at about 11:30 last night as S. slaved over prep for an event to be held this evening:

S: (Addressing the second batch of pastry shells he made, which replaced the first batch that didn't work out):

Oh, you fuckers want to fall apart on me, too?
These are just some mis-shapen fucking biscuits is what these are.
I’m about to lose it. LOSE.IT.
I hate doing pastries, I fucking hate it.
Give me some fucking meat, some vegetables, a starch, some herbs, some crack…fuck it.
I should just give them some fucking Nutter Butters and be done with it.

****

Blatant Ripoff

2008-03-27T10:50:00.005-05:00

Of a recent post by JULIA, in which she listed her dog's myriad nicknames. It got me thinking about the seemingly endless varieties of nicknames we have for our cats. So, I give you, with apologies to Julia for ripping her off, the following ridiculous names we (and by "we" I refer mostly to myself) call our cats:

Stevie
Steve
Steven
Steve-o
Steven Francisco (Lastname)
Dope Fresh Stevie F
Boston Blackie
Noir
Bellyful
Friendly Friend
Retarded Friend
Special Needs Kitty
Crazy Bones Kitten
Burr-ful
Crazy Eyes Killah
(I also frequently greet him with a cheery "What up, Negro?" I know, I should be ashamed of myself. Whatever.)

Astra
As-ta-raaaaa (sung to the theme of Mothra)
Astarelle
Little Miss
Little Miss Missy
Astarelly
Hider Girl
Astralena
Astron
Old Lady
Skitty Kitty
Girl Kitten

So yeah, this is probably my most embarassing post to date. Enjoy!

Flowers (and cats) for the Crankygirl.

2008-03-26T12:28:00.011-05:00

Our field, with a stand of bluebonnets and a few Indian paints.

Close-up on the paints.
Closer view of bluebonnets.
Ooh! Purty!
Close-up on jasmine.
Jasmine - hard to get perspective on the height, but it's approx. 40 feet high.
Texas prickly poppy.

Close-up on the poppy.
Evil creatures. (Astra in the window, Stevie taunting her from the deck.)

I'll spare you the pics of the deck plants. But thanks for an excuse to go walk through the flowers. I needed that.

*****

Dead men flying.

2008-03-26T08:40:00.004-05:00

My flight from Chicago to Austin was about 80% comprised of soldiers returning to Fort Hood who are shipping over to Iraq in two weeks. The flight attendant made an announcement to that effect and throughout the flight, passengers were thanking the soldiers and wishing them well. Two of the soldiers were sitting next to me. One has been over three times already and the other was a very young guy going over for the first time. The bluster and bravado of the younger guy almost broke my heart because his fear shone through like a beam of light. Come back safe, guys. Sorry our government considers you expendable for a bullshit cause. Maybe I'll go throw fake blood on someone in protest. Or not.

I'm not sure how this happened, but despite my food/booze intake and lack of exercise over the past week, I have lost almost four pounds. Hooray for stress!

It is lush and green here in Austin and I think the time has come to do a first mow of the lawn. I I love to mow the lawn. It is meditative and I get a real sense of satisfaction out of it. Because I'm autistic. Also happening in our yard: beautiful, fragrant jasmine blooms (we have a wild jasmine plant that has grown into one of our catalpa trees and is as high as the house - it's phenomenal), Texas prickly poppies blooming, bluebonnets about to pop open. It's lovely. My deck plants are all doing really well, too, including my cyclamen, which is at it's most lush since I bought it two years ago.

I have a ton of stuff to get down before all the impending company (bro-in-law and two nephews Th-Sun, then another nephew next week) so I must curb my rambling and get to the tasks at hand. Bonjour, internets.

Things discussed at my mother's book club other than the book, which was barely mentioned.

2008-03-24T22:41:00.005-05:00

(My sis and I ended up sitting in. There was food and wine, how could we say no?)

1. The failing health of a non-attending member's parent and why this parent's failing health is a sign she's ready to die. Within days. Probably tomorrow. And please let's all email each other when that happens.

2. Stories, about elderly people who fell and died in their homes, only to be found days later by relatives who were having trouble reaching them. Including one whose body was partially eaten by her dog.

3. What happens to your food in a restaurant if you complain/send it back. (I could have helped them out on that one because S. has YEARS of horror stories. But I decided to keep my mouth shut.)

4. Why various teachers should not be teaching any more and why the younger teachers are not properly trained.

5. Numerous ways in which the world is going to hell in a handbasket, including overuse of technology like the internet (I hear ya, ladies).

6. Who is the best eye doctor in (their suburb)?

7. Lengthy comparison of several members' diabetic testing supplies and where you can get them for reasonable prices.

8. A discussion of my hair color and why I am the only redhead in my family and wow, why haven't I gone gray yet and wow look at my mom's beautiful silver hair and wow, if they could all have silver instead of gray they would stop dyeing. Wow!

9. A discussion about where they can go for dinner next week that won't involve a long walk from the parking lot to the restaurant.

10. This is the one really interesting topic: One of the women in this group is the daughter of a famous industrial designer who not only is still alive at 95 but would love to be interviewed about his work. By me. I was thrilled.

I need to end this list by telling you that my mom is 77 years old, still runs her own business, is in generally good health.... and I could not believe she would be hanging around with such a bunch of biddies. (Biddies who, on average, are ten years younger than she is.) She is much more active than they are. And better-traveled. And more current in general. And smarter. Apparently, everyone always dislikes the books my mom suggests and according to her, "All they want to read is fluffy historical fiction." Time to find a new book group, mama.

I am all for civil disobedience...

2008-03-24T10:26:00.004-05:00

...and I am not a fan of organized religion or our government but WHAT THE FUCK?! Talk about misguided efforts. Anyone want to try to defend these dopes? Because I do not get it. At all.

OMG!!!!1111!!!

2008-03-24T07:25:00.003-05:00

You guys? Guess what?! I won the United Kingdom National Lottery...again! That's twice in two months without even entering!!!!! Do you think it's safe to transmit my personal data by email to "Mr. Smith-Jones"*, who will be sending me the big check? Helper monkeys for everyone!!!
(*Someone wasn't even trying with this one. I feel slightly insulted.)

In the real world, I'm pretty sure I have won a few extra pounds thanks to the 'eat and drink at Mom's for a week and do absolutely no exercise' lottery I've been playing since Tuesday. *burp* I've consumed massive amounts of food - particularly bread and chocolate and wine - since I got here. So, bad news, body. Your days of fattening food and lazy days are coming to an end.

I will be returning to Austin tomorrow night. Two of my nephews will arrive a day after that for their grand tour of the UT campus (I have an evil plan afoot to get all my sister's kids in college down there). Two days after they leave another nephew is coming down for a visit. Then in May, my two eldest nieces are trekking cross-country and I may fly somewhere to rendezvous with them for a few days. In June it'll be off to lovely Oceanside, CA for a week and my mom is trying to convince me to go to Spain with her in September so... I should be completely broke by October. Thank god for Mr. Smith-Jones and that UK lottery.

Tonight I will be fleeing my mom's house for my sister's - my mom is hosting her book club and I am not in the mood to make charming small talk with the book club ladies. Not that I am ever really capable of charming small talk, but you know what I mean...right, internet? I think the sis and I may go shopping, which is always a good time. I don't really like to shop but my fashionable sister has "the eye" and I always come away from our excursions with something cute that I never would have tried on if she hadn't suggested it. In fact, I probably would have gotten married in some off-the-rack frock from Kohl's if she hadn't spotted the perfect dress and encouraged me to try it on. I had given up on the frou-frou wedding gowns and was about to walk out of yet another bridal store when she found the perfect dress hanging in the evening gown section. It's a dress I probably would have worn again had it not been covered in mud from our rainy outdoor ceremony. The storm on our wedding day was prolific and I saved the dress, mud and all, because to clean it seemed like it would be wiping away something important...Have I ever mentioned that I get sentimental only over the most random and ridiculous things?

My niece got one of THESE hideous things for her birthday. She was showing it to me yesterday and as we looked at it she said, "I don't like this. The eyes are kind of creepy." Kind of? She's going to trade it in for something else. She already returned an unwanted Barbie and traded that for a gumball machine. The girl has her priorities straight. I had to laugh at her birthday haul, though, because it was so reflective of who she is - lots of clothes, a bracelet-making kit, some other girly stuff, a mega-pack of Hot Wheels, a remote-controlled car (one of her brothers has one and they immediately went out to the driveway to race them), a baseball bat and glove. She has four older brothers and I would say she's about an even split between girly and tomboy.

And on that disjointed and rambling note, I bid you adieu, internetses.

It's alright 'cause it's midnight and I've got two more bottle of wine...

2008-03-22T09:34:00.005-05:00

My mom and I drank a bottle of wine and talked into the wee hours last night. It was one of the best talks we've had in years. I am so thankful for my family. They drive me nuts sometimes but for me there is a deep, unique comfort that can only come from being around people who know you well and like you anyway. Talking to my mom really helped me define some of the issues swirling around me right now - it helps to hear someone say, "That's just who you are - you were like that from the minute you were born." Ok, I thought so, but it's good to hear that from a parent. We talked quite a bit about how alike my dad and I are and my mom actually told me she has always been envious of my ability to take care of myself and "be ok, no matter what". I wouldn't say I'm always ok with everything that happens but I do have a certain level of...fatalism? acceptance? stupidity? that allows me to roll with things a little easier than some.

My mom also recounted a story about me being IQ tested and promoted a grade in elementary school. My dad didn't like the teacher whose room I was promoted out of. According to my mom, during a parent meeting my dad told this teacher that it was obvious to him that I was smarter than she was and she told him, "Well, we can test your theory..." Supposedly that's how the promotion came about. I suspect that isn't exactly how it happened but I can believe my dad told the teacher that he thought I was smarter than she was. My dad had ZERO tact. None. It was part of what made him fun, charming and/or completely embarrassing to be around, depending on the situation.

Ok, I need to shower and get ready to go out into the snowy wilds. My mom and I are off in search of a remote-controlled race car for my niece's birthday. Happy weekend, everyone.

Separated at birth?

2008-03-21T14:35:00.004-05:00

I give you Obama's new BFF Bill Richardson...

And actor Graham Greene....

(Although I'm not sure the comparison is exactly fair to GG, who is definitely better-looking.)

Carry on, America.

Tidbits.

2008-03-21T06:43:00.005-05:00

The guy who gave me a massage yesterday was named S#@n Cassidy. I refrained from making any comments about his name but my sister and I snickered about it on the way out. He did a great job though - I actually dozed off while on the massage table. He also gave me some good tips on how to handle the stress the always settles on the right side of my neck and some ways to avoid carpal problems. Thanks, teenage idol!

Talk about your number being up: YIKES. How random. Or not, depending on how you look at such things.

While my sister and I were cooling our heels at the Austin airport Tuesday, someone kept paging Richard Nixon to the white courtesy telephone. The first two times it happened, people in the waiting area laughed. The third time, not so much. By the time we made it to O'Hare and into our limo we were quite tired and punchy and had our limo driver laughing so hard he told us we made his week. He said we seemed like "fun girls", a phrase that is so stupid and Chicago-y to my ears I've been using it all week.

My mom likes to feed her babies when they are in distress. She made me daal Wednesday night and last night it was homemade pizza. We had a good long talk about my problems - my mom is not a meddler and has to be prompted on certain topics, but if asked, she will say what she thinks and offer good advice. She also needed to talk about my dad. Apparently, my mom has been blaming herself for my dad's alcoholism - she thinks she made it worse by staying with him/enabling him. She probably was an enabler for part of the time they were together but she also had four kids to get through college and sometimes we do what we must...I told her that my dad flat-out told me, on several occasions, that he knew his drinking had alienated the family but it didn't matter enough to him to stop. (Whether that was 100% true is another issue, but whatever...) My dad's drinking problem was HIS problem and I tried to convey that to my mom because the last thing she needs to do is spend her waning years with that monkey on her back. I pointed out to her that my dad lived for over twenty years after she left him and never got around to getting his shit together, so hey, perhaps it really was him and not her. Who knows if that will take hold with her or not...I hope so, for her sake.

I think my mom called mystery bro. as well because he made the casual call down here yesterday - ostensibly to talk to my mom but then it was Oh, what are you doing there? What's going on? Which is fine - he is trained in such matters but he is so bad at keeping his personal shit together I find it hard to take advice from him. I imagine it's what it would be like to have a therapist you know in any other capacity - if you see where they make mistakes in their personal lives, you wouldn't really trust them to help you with your own issues. Whatever. It was nice of him to call.

When I told my mom I had an appointment to get my hair cut Monday she said, "I like you hair best when I cut it." Me, too, but I didn't want to ask her to do it because she is exhausted and trying to plan two parties for the next three days. But we marched up to her bathroom, she snipped and sheared, and I am now sporting a very cute bob. Thanks, mama!

It is snowing here. Hard. It looks pretty but can I just say this to winter? I don't miss you winter. At all. I like wearing sandals year-round. It works for me.

My niece turns 7 this weekend. She's having a party at one of those make-your-own teddy bear places today and I am quite relieved that I don't have to attend it. We'll have a family party for her Sunday (theme suggested by my nephew: Christ is risen! Annie is seven! Let's eat cake!) If there is a hell and blasphemers go there, I'm ok with it because my entire family will be there with me. And I like them.

And that, America, is that. Have a lovely Friday. Watch out for zombie Christ.

You'll never take me alive, coppers!

2008-03-20T15:28:00.003-05:00

My sister, god bless her, scheduled massages for us today. Afterward, we got a bite to eat and then drove to the high school to pick up her oldest. The following conversation ensued:

H: Rie! No one told me you were here.
Me: Hi, H, I'm here.
H: Did you come back with Mom?
Me: You were asleep when we got back from the airport and I went right over to Grandma's.
H: God, no one tells me anything. That was two days ago. What are you doing here?
Me: Do you watch America's Most Wanted?
H: Yeah.
Me: Well, don't watch it this weekend and never mind what I'm doing here.
H: Did you pop a cap in someone's ass?
Me: Fo shizzle my nephizzle.
H: I'll visit you in jail.
Me: Thanks.

Chapter whatever, in which I rip off Vanity Fair's "Proust Questionnaire" and use it as a meme.

2008-03-20T07:43:00.004-05:00

That's right, stone cold stolen from the back page of VF magazine. Believe me, it's better than anything my brain would spew out today. So here goes and TAG, Y'ALL, YOU'RE IT. (I tagged folks I don't know well, anyone else who wants to participate, go for it.)

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Coffee in the morning.

What is your greatest fear?
That there will be no coffee in the morning.

What is your most marked characteristic?
My capacity for being alone.

What is the trait you deplore most in yourself?
My impatience. Next question!

What living person do you most despise?
Whoever wrote that "Butterfly Kisses" song.

What is your greatest extravagance?
The amount of money I spend at Target.

What is your current state of mind?
Illinois.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Kindness.

On what occasion do you lie?
Whenever I need to. I could be lying to you right now.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
I like my appearance.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Sense of humor and intellect (you can't have one without the oooooother!).

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Sense of humor and intellect (you can...never mind).

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Fuck you.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Donny Osmond.

What and where were you happiest?
In grade school in California.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would that be?
Nothing. I like myself.

Which talent would you most like to have?
I wish I knew how to sew.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Living 47 years without killing anyone.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
Myself in a different body. Preferably one that doesn't sunburn as easily as this one.

Where would you like to live?
In a trailer down by the river.

What is your most treasured possession?
My brain.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
A bad job.

What is your favorite occupation?
Writing.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Hmm...Harriet M. Welsch or Charlie Brown or Scout Finch.

What are your favorite names?
What?

What is it that you most dislike?
Other people.

How would you like to die?
Quietly.

What is your motto?
Bite me.

The Lass, Chapter 598; In which I am ailing and melodramatic.

2008-03-19T12:42:00.002-05:00

I am sick and there are some rather unsettling things going on in my personal life and well, blah. Being sick at my mom's house is a good and bad thing. My sister stopped by with Theraflu and tissues, my mom keeps calling from work to see if I'm ok (I haven't yet had time to fully let her in on the personal issues and she's freaking out about it) and I am eating soup with crackers. If this was me in high school, I would be on the couch watching All My Children or some other crap. But it's middle-aged me who is ailing, so I am in bed with a computer and a book about monkeys. A book about monkeys that is so unintentionally hilarious it has made me laugh out loud several times in the past hour - Claudia, you may have saved my life by sending me that thing. I give you the opening paragraph:

"Up until I was fourteen years old, no boy on earth could have been happier. I didn't have a worry in the world. In fact, I was beginning to think that it wasn't going to be hard at all for me to grow up. But, just when things were really looking good for me, something happened. I got mixed up with a bunch of monkeys and all of my happiness flew right out the window. Those monkeys all but drove me out of my mind."

It just gets better from there.

Also on my mind this afternoon: The Beany and Cecil Show. Harriet shocked me by recognizing the title of last night's post. I have rarely run into anyone who remembers this show. It was my absolute favorite growing up - I still have a set of Beany and Cecil dolls (creepy enough for you?) that Santa brought me one year.

And on that disjointed note, I am going back to sleep...perchance to dream of monkeys or seasick sea serpents.

Help, Cecil, Help!

2008-03-18T23:24:00.004-05:00

The weekend was equal parts intense and fun. The sister proved to have some keen insights and was quite supportive and helpful. She also made me RUN, the whore. We went out for a walk Saturday and she shamed me into trying to jog some and I ended up doing about a mile just to shut her up. I did not enjoy it. I walk fast and I'm sticking with that. I feel heavy and slow when I run and that isn't exactly motivating.

Other highlights:

I out-climbed her at Pedernales Saturday because she saw a snake and freaked out...and she was also afraid of some of the heights we were scaling. HA!

Yesterday we shopped and ate and drank too much beer, then a tornado blew through the town just south of where we were staying.

She talked me into coming back to Chicago with her today and another tornado delayed our flight three hours and we ate everything we could find at the Austin airport (Schlotzky's, ice cream, scones, lots of coffee and then some beer and cheezits). We like to design our own personal food pyramid.

I am now at my worried mom's house, blowing my nose and feeling a heavy sensation in my chest that could be the onset of the bronchial flu S. had last week or could be my heart breaking. Stay tuned.

Internet, we need to talk.

2008-03-16T07:49:00.003-05:00

My sister is arriving today for an impromptu rescue visit. We're going to drive west and hike and drink wine and she, lucky woman, will have to listen to me talk. A lot. About all kinds of things. I am struggling mightily with a few issues right now and I need to float them through a set of ears and a brain that knows me well. The one stellar quality that runs through my family is the ability to speak a blunt truth. Kindly and plainly. And my sister is probably the best at that so I'm hoping she will provide me with some good insight. Also, yay! I have my sister to myself for a whole three days!

Sorry to be cryptic but there are some things I don't share with you, internet. Oh sure, I'll give you my half-assed political opinions, my commentary on the Fox lineup, and other general malarky but there are some things a lady needs to keep private. Like my long prison term or my secret membership in Scientology or the fact that I really AM a typing chimp and how do I break that to my adoring internet public? Oops, you got it out of me.

Stevie is back to almost-normal. His tail seems to have come back to life and he is not at all happy with his forced indoor convalescence. He spent most of yesterday wandering between my office and S.'s howling at us. The vet recommended putting him on a diet which means our other kitty is on the same diet (she's even fatter than he is). What this means is that they are running into the kitchen every time I go for a cup of coffee or some water...only to have their hopes dashed when they realize it's not time to eat. I can relate, friends.

I need to get a few things packed before heading for the airport so this is all you get, internet. Tally to the muthafucking ho. Back in a few days.

The best laid plans.

2008-03-14T19:24:00.002-05:00

There will be no Willie tonight because we just got back from an emergency trip to the vet with Steven Francisco F. who finally came home, wounded, this afternoon. He was limping and his tail was literally hanging down behind him. Two x-rays, some bloodwork and $356 later, we know that his tail isn't broken, nor is his pelvis. He might have an abscess that isn't showing up. Or he might not. Among other guesses: he got in a fight or was grazed by a car or got injured jumping over a fence or maybe the boogie man got him. Whatever...at least we know that it isn't something immediately tragic and he is resting comfortably under the dining room table as I write this.

So, our friend Charlie and some of his friends are enjoying the show, S. is going to do some laundry and I'm going to stay home and try to get my brain to slow down. It has been a very, very bad day for me. My anxiety level hasn't been this bad in years - probably since we were planning the wedding. Happily for me, I got a book in the mail today. A book entitled Summer of the Monkeys about which the Des Moines Register had this to say: "A MIRACLE...warmth, humor and an array of interesting characters...full of the wonderment of growing up in the frontier-like wilds." Um, Des Moines Register? You forgot to mention the monkeys. And CLAUDIA, I promise to post a book report as soon as I've finished it. Thanks for the book (and the pin)!

Little bits of nothing.

2008-03-14T10:26:00.004-05:00

About halfway through the afternoon yesterday, I was hit by a huge, unfocused wave of anxiety that lasted through the evening...and through my dreams...and is still hanging on this morning. What the fuck?

S. was driving through a parking lot a few days ago and was t-boned by an elderly guy in a van. (I just re-read that sentence and realized it reads as vaguely porn-y. ) When the cops arrived and one of them pulled out an accident report, the old guy asked him, "Oh, is that a 4N-54P?". He's had enough recent accidents that he knows the form numbers by heart. Someone take that guy off the road, please. S. was unhurt and the damage to his car wasn't massive but it means he is spending his day off today getting estimates to send to the old coot's insurance company. Big fun.

Our indoor/outdoor kitty has not shown up this morning and I'm a little concerned. He never ventures very far from the house - never goes up to the road and is almost always outside the front door early in the morning. I'm having thoughts of hawks and coyotes and all kinds of horrors. Where are you, Steve? Come home.

It's going to be 90 degrees here today. NO! Too early!! Go away, heat!

Tonight is the big Willie Nelson shindig - my anticipation is split about evenly between the promise of seeing an icon and what will surely be a stellar people-watching opportunity. Also, it will probably be one of the few concerts I've attended recently where I won't feel like the oldest person in the crowd, so that will be a nice change.

FLATSTOCK is going on at the Convention Center today and tomorrow and I am very torn about whether or not to venture down there...two huge crowds within a 24-hour period doesn't sound too fun. And some of my fave silkscreeners are going to be there this year which means the potential danger to my pocketbook is major.

I also need to say this: Martha Wainwright? Shut the fuck up. I was listening to the radio yesterday and heard her being interviewed and I swear I thought it was Courtney Love. Oh, the delusions of grandeur, the snotty attitude, the artfully jaded perspective... She was talking about how rude audiences are and how she would "probably have to shush people AGAIN" at her SXSW show this year. Maybe you just suck, Martha. Or maybe your attitude turns people off. Just a thought.

And on that bitchy note, I bid you adieu, internet.

I have hippie cooties!

2008-03-13T15:20:00.006-05:00

On my walk today, the shiftless hippie dude decided today was the day to befriend me.* This meant several things:

A. I had to break my stride to talk to him. (Ok, I didn't HAVE to but I did...I'm still not sure why...)
B. I had to shake his hand. (Hence the cooties.)
C. He asked me a bunch of questions about what I do for a living. (I hate telling people I'm a writer so I told him I'm unemployed. He said, "No...you're an artist or something. I can tell.") WRONG!
D. He offered himself as an "interesting dude" to write about. NO.

The only good that came out of this encounter is that he introduced himself to me. Are you ready for this, America? His name is W@@de W@@d. I.shit.you.not.

*I blame this on the fact that I didn't have my ip@d with me today. An oversight that will not, I assure you, occur again.

After this encounter, I spent the rest of my walk doing some more analysis of my stellar personality. Is it possible to be autistic and a misanthrope at the same time? 'Cause that's my new self-diagnosis. Misanthropic Autism. You heard it here first.

SXSW time is here and Austin is overrun with hipsters...a cloud of patchouli hangs over the downtown area and worst of all, there was no place to park for my walk this morning because the crews are setting up for the free Spoon concert at Auditorium Shores. Stupid Spoon. Ga ga ga ga ga this.

I came dangerously close to volunteering for SXSW this year and I am really glad I didn't because sustained, close proximity to so many posing young'uns probably would have ended in some kind of violence on my part. I never gave a rat's ass about looking cool when I was younger and have never had any tolerance for people who live and die by the haircut...or the outfit...or who knew what band before they got famous. Blah. Plus I'm all misanthropic and autistic and shit.

Coffee time is here. Tally ho.

Is it wrong that I laughed when I read the sheriff's name in this story?

2008-03-12T17:14:00.001-05:00

Because I DID.
(Two previous posts today - scroll down for more.)

There's a lot of stealing going on this week.

2008-03-12T07:37:00.003-05:00

I took this from Harriet.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about The Lass!

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14, and The Lass has 7.
The only planet that rotates on its side is The Lass.
Pacman was originally called The Lassman.
It is impossible to fold The Lass more than seven times!
Banging your head against The Lass uses 150 calories an hour!
In Japan it is considered rude to talk with The Lass in your mouth!
The Lass can eat up to four kilograms of insects in a single night.
There are roughly 10,000 man-made objects the size of The Lass orbiting the Earth!
Abraham Lincoln, who invented The Lass, was the only US president ever granted a patent.
If you drop The Lass from more than three metres above ground level, she will always land feet-first.

What's your glitch, dude?

2008-03-12T06:46:00.003-05:00

***

Last night, S. and I watched a program about TEMPLE GRANDIN. Before watching the show I was only vaguely aware of her. I'm not sure I could do her story justice, so if you're interested, here's a link to it in HER OWN WORDS. She is a fascinating person.

(Here's where I get hysterical and please, feel free to snicker as you read this.) I frequently joke about my "latent autism" but...maybe it's not a joke? I can relate to a lot of what Grandin talks about (noise sensitivity, tactile sensitivity, social problems) and it makes me wonder...I have always had horrible social anxiety - my mom used to more or less force me to participate in school activities, sleepovers, etc. I remember desperately wanting to do the same things my friends were doing, but once I was out of my comfort zone, I would panic and be absolutely miserable. I still have that problem but since I have control over when and how I socialize now, it is easier to manage. My social anxiety has never been so bad that it keeps me at home, but it's close. It has definitely gotten worse since I left Chicago and my safety net of familiar situations and people. So is this a disorder or is it "just who I am"? I recently ordered THIS BOOK , which has generated some controversy but I want to read it anyhow. I'm eager to see what this guy's take is on the whole normal/abnormal range as far as social anxiety goes...Anyhow, how's that for rambling self-diagnosis? And all this before 7am! Perhaps what I really am is batshit crazy. I can deal with that. I'm just so lovable, it doesn't matter. Right, America?! RIGHT???!!

I have to get out of here and walk today. I blew it off yesterday because it was chilly, but it's going to be 75 today so I have no excuses. Someone asked me yesterday how I find time to walk nine miles and she seemed surprised when I told her it only takes me 90 minutes or so. I walk really, really fast - as fast as I can without it being a run. It helps that I'm able to go out at times when the hiking trail is relatively quiet and I swear I'm walking faster since I got the iP@d. (Anyone else find they move faster with music playing?) Anyhow, about a year ago I was 56 pounds heavier than I am now and I could barely do a twenty minute walk without feeling like I was going to die so let me publicly pat myself on the back for a job well done. Go me!

Today is my sister's birthday. We're what used to be referred to as "Irish Twins" - less than two years apart in age. Next year is her big 5-0 and I am trying to think of an appropriate surprise for her. She currently has three teenagers and two teenagers-in-waiting living in her house, so perhaps a trip far, far away...with no return ticket...I will have to think about it.

S. is suffering mightily from a cold/flu combo this week and has been working anyway. He looked and sounded like hell this morning and I'm hoping maybe he'll come home early, poor guy. I've been pounding echinacea, vitamin c and anything else I think will keep it off me. Go away, germs.

Time for coffee and breakfast. Rock on with your bad selves.

Stolen from Readers Guide: A Meme of Firsts

2008-03-11T07:24:00.016-05:00

***

1. Who was your first prom date? I never went to prom.

2. Do you still talk to your first love? Hmmm...no. But only because I only met him once. His name is Donald Clark Osmond.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? My parents weren't averse to letting us have sips of their wine or beer or daiquiris at parties so I suppose one of those would technically have been my first drink. My first illicit, full drink was a warm Coors beer stolen from my parents' garage. I drank it with my friend Laura Hiestand down by the creek near our house. We were rebels! Rebels, I say!

4. What was your first job? I did a lot of babysitting but my first "real" job was (shades of David Sedaris) being one of Santa's helpers at Yorktown Mall. Let me tell you, at age 14, nothing says "mortification" as strongly as having your friends see you dressed as an elf.

5. What was your first car? A handed-down Toyota Corolla. It was a hideous shade of green and my college friend David dubbed it the Boogermobile.

6. Who was the first person to text you today? What is this "text" of which you young people speak?

7. Who is the first person you thought of this morning? S., who is ailing this week.

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Walla. I adored her. My older brother used to incense me by referring to her as "Mrs. Walla Walla, Washington".

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Los Angeles to Seattle to visit an uncle. I was two.

10. Who was your first best friend, and are you still friends with him/her? My first best friend was Jill G. We are still in email contact about once a year.

11. What was your first sport played? That would have been dodgeball or tetherball. Unless you count my L.A. neighborhood's epic kick-the-can games as sport.

12. Where was your first sleepover? It was a slumber party at my friend Sally Mumy's house. Her older brother was a fairly well-known child actor and we spent most of the evening bothering him.

13. Who was the first person you talked to today? S., as he got ready for work.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time? My sister's. I wore a hideous pink dress and a flower wreath in my hair. The overall effect was very Molly Ringwald.

15. What was the first thing you did this morning? Woke up thinking that is was really dark out for 6am.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to? Oh, this is good. The supremely heinous Styx played in my high school gym my freshman year (that would have been ca.1974 for those of you who care). The dry ice machines! The huge, pre-digital synthesizers! The tight satin pants! I was 13 at the time and have since learned to forgive my younger self for this lapse in musical judgement. Still working on the Springsteen thing, though.

17. What was your first tattoo or piercing? I am tattoo-less and will be forever. I like the way tattoos look but I can't imagine getting one. I got my ears pierced in 8th grade. Later, on one hash-filled New Year's Eve post-college, my friend Laurie double-pierced one of my ears for me using the old ice cube and needle method.

18. What was the first foreign country you went to? Probably Mexico when I was small.

19. What was your first run-in with the law? The one and only time I was ever arrested was in New Orleans. My offense? Drunk driving on a moped. Through an abandoned gymnasium.

20. When was your first detention? I never served detention. I was a good girl...good enough not to get caught, anyway.

21. What was the first state you lived in? California. I'm a Valley Girl.

22. Who was the first person to break your heart? Rick W., who didn't so much break my heart as turn into a psychotic stalking creep.

23. Who was your first roommate? During my first few years of college in Tucson, I lived with Betsy H. and David C. and some others in a house owned by Betsy's parents. The house was in the foothills and we had a pool, so parties were had, America. Lots of them.

24. Where did you go on your first limo ride? Who knows. My family are limo-taking fools.

Are you a boy or are you a girl?

2008-03-10T14:16:00.003-05:00

Find out by letting the highly scientific GENDER GUESSER analyze your writing. I entered four different samples of my prose (blog entries, grant proposals, an article and a letter) and every time, the gender guesser pegged me as a "weak male" ( or about 54% 'male' by their standards)- with the caveat "weak emphasis could indicate European". I'll admit I'm not the girliest girl walking this earth but I feel vaguely insulted because men are, after all, inferior beings. Screw you, gender guesser.

You know what I got in the mail this morning?!

2008-03-10T13:11:00.005-05:00

Girl Scout Cookies!!!!! Thin Mints, to be exact. And a book! It's cold and rainy here today and I will be making good use of both. Many thanks to you, CLAUDIA!! Soody Bah!

I also received an email from someone at the Texas Youth Commission who is less than thrilled with the unflattering words I had for them yesterday. I would like to publicly reply to the writer of said email thusly: tough titties. That's all the brain power I feel like expending on you, email-writer.

In the "oh shit-oh shit-oh shit" category, I give you this: As I was walking through the parking lot of the grocery store this morning, a man in front of me suddenly collapsed onto the pavement. Another woman and I left our carts and ran over to him - he was out cold but he had a pulse and was breathing, thank god. I was fumbling for my cell phone when a guy two rows over yelled to us that he had called 911 and within what seemed like just a few minutes, a cop and an ambulance arrived. I'm CPR trained but I have to admit - I panicked and I'm not sure I would have been able to remember what to do if the guy had needed more help. Ack. The woman and I told the cops what we saw then I loaded my stuff into my car and left. And cried most of the way home. The end.

And now, I'm going to recharge with some soup and cookies. Watch your step today, America.

Presenting, Miss Ellaneous-News of Linktonshire

2008-03-09T09:10:00.008-05:00

I was going to write earlier this week about the USC teacher who lost her job for refusing to sign a loyalty oath. It should never have happened but it looks like WISER HEADS HAVE PREVAILED.

And have you heard the scandal from the natural world? The GRAND CANYON has been lying about its age! I knew it looked older than 5 million.

Did you know the state of Texas is governed by a HOMOPHOBIC REDNECK? A homophobic redneck who for years ignored the fact that kids were being physically and sexually abused in various Texas Youth Commission facilities. As has been widely reported, the TYC board was made up of Perry cronies, contributors and generally unqualified idiots. It's good to know he's working hard to CLEAN THINGS UP. And in case you've forgotten, this is the same guy who sits in Merck's pocket and issued a legal mandate requiring that all female elementary students in the state of Texas get Merck's new, largely untested cervical cancer vaccine in order to be admitted to public schools. (That one, thankfully, was undone by the Texas Legislature, who had to enact a law just to repeal the mandate.) He's also the guy who is sorry to tell you, but you're going to hell if you don't believe in his Christian god. Fuck you, Rick Perry. And the high-horse you rode in on.

And what's new with me? Not much. Spent yesterday at home nursing various ailments and watching the Fox crime lineup. I'm trying to make myself go out and walk today but so far all I've done is drink coffee and get mad about the news. S. and I have plans to run errands and attend a party later so at some point I will have to get dressed. This irks me.

We finally saw "There Will Be Blood" Friday night. They could have called it "there will be seats" because except for two other couples, the theatre was totally empty. But, I digress. Wow. I was expecting some , um. "belabored" acting (D D-L gets on my nerves sometimes) but it was really, really good. S. and I were in lovely MARFA the summer they were filming out there and it was a nice reminder of that trip as well.

Finally, a big welcome to daylight savings time. I don't care what anyone says about you, DLST. I love you. Welcome, welcome.

Reunited? And it feels so...good??

2008-03-06T17:35:00.011-06:00

*

I got an email yesterday inviting me to participate in my 30-year high school reunion. My class is a re-uning bunch - they held 10, 15 and 20-year reunions as well, none of which I attended. I don't really understand the point of reunions, particularly for a graduating class as large as mine (over 2,000 people). I've kept in touch with several of my close friends from high school but I can't say that the closeness of those friendships endures...most of my contact with these folks is in the form of holiday cards or the occasional email. And I think it's pretty safe to say that if I haven't had any contact with you for thirty years, it's doubtful that I will have anything to say to you at a reunion. I don't really care who got fat or looks old or who boned who, so I can't even approach it from that angle. And really, any lingering curiosity I might have about former classmates could likely be satisfied by a quick G@@gle search, which I daresay would be more pleasant than an in-person recounting of thirty years of anyone's life, mine included.

So, I am wondering: have any of YOU attended a school reunion? If so, was it out of curiosity? A desire to reconnect with specific people? Love of low-quality catered dinners? Do tell, people. I would like to hear your tales.

Did another nine-mile hike today...I think I may make that my daily distance since it seems to be getting easier. Spotted on the trail during this morning's jaunt:

Ed Gein - A short, haunted-looking little man wearing a plaid hunter's cap. Or maybe it was Holden Caulfield.

Rocky - A youngish guy who had the grey sweats and the watchman's cap under the hood of his sweatshirt. Yo!

Various hipster doofuses (doofi?) - SXSW kicks off this weekend and the yearly crowds of attention-starved people are invading Austin. Yay.

Me - A stunningly beautiful, hauntingly graceful middle-aged woman with uncombed hair, wearing a shirt four sizes too big for her yet still managing to look incredibly hot. You'll have to take my word on that one.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend.

This week's winner in the Gooooorooooo sweepstakes!

2008-03-06T15:59:00.002-06:00

Profile ID:XXXXXXXX
Title: NSF Cyber Trust - Last Chance
Project ID: XXXXXXX

Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
Give this one a run for the money - If you can.

Please decipher attachments, apply scientific method, and Voila.

Have hired consultant before. Looking for novel, metered, managed
solution to research drive and inquiring mind.

Basically, we not into technicalities here until on the job. This is
National Scientific opportunity knocking. Need advice to complete grant
proposal in novel cyber scientific terms.

Proposal Need include 'unique' grant research archietecture for
Exploratory Research NSF Proposal in Cyber Sciences. Need include 'exact'
scientific plans and terminology for grant. We do not have a game plan
beyond these documents unless you can aid in the proposal.

Thanks, Interested general researcher.

This was just a little too easy...

2008-03-06T13:31:00.004-06:00

(phone rings)

Me: Hello?

Dude: Hi, this is Rick from Time-Warner Cable, how you doing today?

Me: I'm doing swell, Rick. How are you?

Dude: Good, good. I see that you have internet service through us. Is there any reason why you never got phone or cable service with Time-Warner?

Me: We're Amish.

Dude: (silence)

Me: We have no electrical appliances in our home. It's against our religious beliefs.

Dude: (completely flustered and either oblivious to the fact that what I'm saying is an obvious lie or unwilling to argue about it) Oh...um...I'm really sorry to have bothered you then.

Me: No problem, Rick. Have a great day.

Dude: You too.

Remember the Alamo!

2008-03-06T11:04:00.006-06:00

No really, do. Today's the DAY. Davy Crockett may have killed him a b'ar when he was only three, but he met a grisly death anyhow. I have visited the Alamo and was rather underwhelmed. It's overcrowded with tourists, small, located on a dirty, busy street in downtown San Antonio. The whole experience is kind of "eh", but they do have an excellent selection of throw-back souvenirs in their gift shop (think rubber tomahawks and those little plastic tv clickers that show slides of the monument). I'm looking forward to a visit to the FAUX ALAMO when my nephew is here later this month.

I am averaging an alarming 20-25 hits per day from various school district ISPs, based on a G@@gle search for pictures of S3l3na. The searches lead to THIS (giant) photo. Sorry to scare and/or disappoint all you young report-writers. Second on my recent hits list are people looking for THIS pic from the ^mityvill3 H@rr@r. Stupid internet.

I walked about nine miles yesterday and it felt great. About halfway through, I stopped to get a drink of water and this guy walked up to me and said, "Oh, we seem to be out here at the same time a lot!". "Not anymore", I thought. He's an older guy who I see almost every time I walk and although he may be harmless, he creeped me out. Today it's raining but when I go tomorrow, I will go a little earlier. Paranoid? Maybe. But I like to trust my instincts. (Of course, I hate and/or mistrust almost everyone I meet so it's a little hard to tell when it's instinct and when it's just my usual reaction, but still...)

There was a woodpecker(?) in the yard this morning and that got me thinking about all the different birds we see here on a regular basis and because I'm a dork, I compiled a list.

Cardinals
Grackles
Pileated woodpecker (or possibly yellow-bellied sapsucker - I didn't get a close enough look)
Red-breasted house finch
White wing dove
Mourning dove
Inca or Spanish dove
Harris hawk
Red-shouldered hawk
Turkey vulture
Bluejays
Mockingbirds
Sparrows
Brewer's blackbird
Purple martin
Rough-wing swallow

And yes, I have a book that helps me identify these. While I was compiling this list, I was thinking that it's nice to finally be old enough that my dorkish tendencies actually fit my age, rather than making me old before my time. Doesn't make me any less of a dork, however. Feel free to point and laugh.

Movie Meme.

2008-03-05T08:13:00.011-06:00

Okay, I'm calling this one. Congrats to Harriet, who guessed half of the movies! The unguessed are updated with answers below. Thanks for playing, everyone!

All the cool kids are doing it, so here goes:

1. Pick 10 of your favorite movies.
2. Go to IMDB and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. GUESSERS: NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions. I mean, you can cheat if you want, but is it really that important?
6. One movie guess per blogger. Give people a chance to guess before you steal all of the awesome!

*****************************

My list contains a few well-known films, a few obscure films and some (very) guilty pleasures. Have fun and good luck!

MOVIE #1 From "Night of The Hunter" starring Robert Mitchum. If you haven't seen it, do. It's an excellent commentary on, among other things, religion...or lack thereof.

RC: JH, ain't you going to say hello to your pa?
JH: He's not my pa!
RC: No, and he ain't no preacher neither!

MOVIE #2 This is from "Adaptation", which stars Nicolas Cage, whom I usually can't stand. Brilliant film.

CK:(voice-over: ) I am pathetic, I am a loser...
R McK: So what is the substance of writing?
CK:(voice-over): I have failed, I am panicked. I've sold out, I am worthless, I... What the fuck am I doing here? What the fuck am I doing here? Fuck. It is my weakness, my ultimate lack of conviction that brings me here. Easy answers used to shortcut yourself to success. And here I am because my jump into the abysmal well - isn't that just a risk one takes when attempting something new? I should leave here right now. I'll start over. I need to face this project head on and...
RMcK: ...and God help you if you use voice-over in your work, my friends. God help you. That's flaccid, sloppy writing. Any idiot can write a voice-over narration to explain the thoughts of a character.

MOVIE #3 S. WINS! This is Jem and Dill meeting for the first time in "To Kill A Mockingbird", which is my probably my favorite movie of all time.

DH: Hey.
J: Hey yourself.
DH: I'm Charles Baker Harris. I can read. I can read anything you've got. Folks call me D.
J: How old are you? Four and a half?
DH: Going on seven.
J: Well no wonder then. S's bin readin' since she was born, and she's not even six yet. You're mighty puny for nearly seven.
DH: I'm little but I'm old.

MOVIE #4 HARRIET WINS THIS ONE! It's from "The In-Laws" (the original, not the shitty remake).

VR: Serpentine, Shelly! Serpentine!

MOVIE #5 S. WINS THIS ONE, TOO! It's from "The Jerk", starring one of my imaginary high school boyfriends, Steve Martin.

NRJ: I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

MOVIE #6 HARRIET WINS THIS ONE, TOO! This is from the spooky/campy classic, "Sunset Blvd.".

JG: You're ND. You used to be in silent pictures. You used to be big.
ND: I *am* big. It's the *pictures* that got small.

MOVIE #7 AND HARRIET WINS AGAIN! From "It's A Wonderful Life" - one of my top five favorite movies of all time.

GB: What is it you want, M? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, M.
M: I'll take it. Then what?
GB: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?

MOVIE #8 And this obscure tidbit is from a cult classic entitled "Wild in the Streets" in which a rock star and his hippie friends, including a very, very young Richard Pryor, take over the government.

MF: I have nothing against our current President... that's like running against my own grandfather. I mean, what do you ask a 60-year-old man? - You ask him if he wants his wheelchair FACING the sun, or facing AWAY from the sun. But running the country? FORGET IT, babies!

MOVIE #9 Perhaps a little too obscure with the dialog on this one, although I'm sure many of you have seen this movie. It's from "Blood Simple".

M: M. Thought you were dead. You goin' home?
M: No. I'm staying right here in hell.
M: Kind of a bleak point of view there, isn't it, M?
M: M... I don't want the asshole near my money. And I don't want him in the bar.
M: [pause] We get a lotta assholes in here, M.

MOVIE #10 IT'S HARRIET AGAIN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! This is a scene from the fine, fine classic, "Planet of the Apes".

DZ: I see you've brought the female of your species. I didn't realize that man could be monogamous.
GT: On this planet, it's easy.

Vote for me and I'll set you free!

2008-03-04T15:37:00.002-06:00

My polling place is a substation of the local sheriff's office and since it's located on the ass-end of Austin, it was almost empty when I voted this afternoon. I had a hard time deciding who to vote for this time around. I like Obama and Hillary (so sue me, Hillary Haters) but ultimately Obama won out because he's so foxy...er...because I like the cut of his political jib slightly more than Hillary's. So there you have it. The volunteer at this particular polling place looked to be in her 90's and was so cheerful I was surprised she didn't hug me on my way out.

Our nice weather has returned which means I must go out and walk - a lot - tomorrow. I was in such a creative whirlwind last week I more or less gave myself the week off from exercise but it's time to hop back into the routine. (The whirlwind yielded two very solid ideas, though, so it was worth the slack time.)

Irritation of the day: Our paper is suddenly being delivered to our next-door neighbor's house. When I phoned the customer service line about it the woman who answered said, "Well your house numbers are so similar...". Um...what? You mean they're two numbers apart? Like every other building on every other street IN THE WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY??!! (Okay, I don't know that there's actually a nationwide standard for street numbering...) Anyhow, we'll see what happens tomorrow. The Austin paper is but a teeny-baby step above say, USA Today, so it's not like we'd be missing much if I canceled the subscription...

And that, America, is all I have for you today.

Boo hoo, you've got me cryin' for you...

2008-03-03T14:32:00.007-06:00

I made a DMV clerk cry today.

A little backstory: I inherited one of my dad's cars and since I got it, I've had one of his hats sitting in the back window as my little homage to him. I noticed recently that the hat is getting brittle from sun exposure and decided I want to bring it in and hang it on the wall of my office. To replace the hat, I ordered special plates that help fund Texas state parks. The plates look like this, except I had them personalized with the message, "Hi Dad".

About two weeks before he died, my dad told me that he was sorry he never got to see Big Bend. I told him that was the first place we'd go as soon as he was done with his cancer treatments, but the joke was on me because at that point, my dad knew he wasn't going to make it. I've had plans to scatter some of his ashes out there and this summer, my sister and I are finally going to do so. The "Hi, Dad" thing has a provenance as well - it's what I say every time something reminds me of my Dad or I feel him around. I mentioned this at Christmas and, as it turns out, it's what my sister and one of my brothers have been saying as well when they've thought of him. So... that's our little toast now every time we get together as a family. The woman from whom I picked up the plates today asked about the message and I told her this story and...she started crying. And then I started crying. Yay.

It is COLD here today, America. Our temps dropped about 30 degrees overnight and the wind is gusting up to 45mph - which means my office is especially cold. The west and south walls of the office are filled with windows (this used to be the sunporch) and they are old and leaky. Maybe I need to eat some Easter candy to warm up. Yep. Easter candy and coffee, here I come.

PEOPLE OF EARTH!

2008-03-02T10:45:00.004-06:00

Resistance is futile! I am IN CONTROL today. That's right. When the flying monkeys show up on your doorstep, give them all of your cash and valuables and no one will get hurt. (Well, a few people may get poo flung on them but that's to be expected.) I suppose I should be a little annoyed with Harriet for outing my good deeds because that really blows my whole internet persona... but how mad can I be at someone who has installed me as "Empress of the Universe"? Bring on the tiara and the cabana boys!!

I'm celebrating my special day by drinking lots of coffee and nursing yet another ENOTECA hangover. S. took me out last night - we got dressed up and everything! - and I ate like a pig. That and the fact that I slagged off on the exercise routine this week has me feeling a bit sluggish. About the dressing up - as I got ready yesterday I had two thoughts: 1. I am, and this is being generous, "offhand" about my appearance on most days and 2. Putting on makeup, curling my hair, etc. is a major pain in the ass and I'm glad I don't have to do it every day. (Although if I may say so, the results are still pretty good considering my old age and ineptitude at dolling up.)

I've been on a creative tear this week. Almost every day, I've woken up with a really good story idea in my head. There is a steady level to my creativity and I have trained myself over the years to observe/think like a writer... but every now and then I get these manic "spikes" and it's all I can do to get the ideas down on paper. Any of you other writerly types experience this kind of thing? When it happens to me, I try to get down as many of the ideas as I can, with brief notes and move on. Later, when the brainstorm has died down a bit, I go back and see which of the ideas, if any, still seem brilliant or feasible and go from there.

Oooh, a writer talking about the writing process. How fascinating for all of you. I guess I need to shut up and go check on my minions.

Hmmm....

2008-03-01T14:15:00.003-06:00

I spent a brief amount of time today trying to determine whether or not this website is legitimate. Unfortunately, I THINK IT IS.

Come for the creepiness, stay for the "unclean!" feeling. Enjoy.

And you wonder why I'm selling crafts...

2008-02-29T12:36:00.003-06:00

*****

This week's super-special project notification from Goo-Roo:

Profile ID: *******
Title: Ecology Children's Book/Play
Project ID: *******

Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
I am looking for a grant writer who would be agree at $20/hr and/or
willing to take a percentage of any grants received for a very big project
in the works.  I do have a non-profit status organization.  The book,
Eco Fantasy Tour, is in it's first draft as is the script for the live
play.  A CD recording of the songs for the play that will go with the
book is also written and in the works.  The story is a fantasy journey
through the forest with Cousin Nature and 7 children.  It's very
imaginative and has strong messages throughout on ways we can all be good
stewards of our planet.  We did a simular play in 93 but the new version is
much more expanded and the music is top quality and ranges from all
styles from around the world.  Everything is ready to go but we need to
start getting the grants flowing.  It's a very worthy and time related
project and will be enjoyed by children and adults alike.  Professional
editing will also be needed.

A "much more expanded version" than the "simular" one in 93? And you don't mind illegally skimming grant money to pay me??!! Sign me up!! To date, I have received about 150 "matches" to my Goo-Roo profile, most of which have been bullshit like this. And while I am entertained, I need to work. And eat. You know, all the stuff a high-fallutin' type like me needs to survive. Luckily, the other freelance banks I'm registered with are providing more realistic leads...

Thanks for the feedback on the pics, everyone. I am in the process of setting up shop at Etsy and will whore...er...let you all know when I'm open for business.

What would you pay....?

2008-02-28T15:44:00.010-06:00

Ok, here's the deal. I've been thinking a while about opening an Etsy shop and/or selling stuff on consignment. When I lived in Chicago, I did handmade books and cards and hair ornaments and stuff and sold them on consignment at Quimby's and a few other places. Now that I actually have some free time, I've found myself doing crafty things again and I think some of it is good enough to sell. Here's the first batch of "things". They are made from a bunch of 5x8, 1950's-era flash cards I found on eBay. These are pretty lame as the only "craft" involved was cleaning up the cards, matting and framing them (frame size is 9x11, btw) , but I think they look good. The matting and cards are more ivory than they appear in these pics. Also, I realize that this is hardly a novel idea - I own similar things that I've bought at craft fairs...but I really like the imagery and hope others would, too. I would love to hear what you all think (please be honest - I'm not fragile). I'm thinking about charging $20.00 apiece for them. These are only four of about sixty - others have similar themes, some feature people or animals, food, articles of clothing, etc. I'm also doing some smaller bird flash cards in 4x6 matted frames and will post those when I have a few more done. Anyhow, opinions, please.

In the air, in the air, someday I will live in the air.

2008-02-28T09:48:00.002-06:00

Oh my god, America. There is stuff going on here this week that is making my stomach hurt and my head spin. The possibilities! The sudden burst of creative energy after a month of struggle! The insomnia! I AM GOING MAD!!!! Mad, I tell you! One of my creative projects is taking shape very nicely and I may share pics later today...

Out of pure sloth, I watched "Super Nanny" last night. Over the course of a half-hour, I saw a dad hit a two-year-old in the head and a mom pour liquid soap into a 6-year-old's mouth. Why, at either of those points, doesn't the filming of the show stop and the calling of child protective services start?! Unreal.

I am having one of my infrequent bouts with insomnia, which generally go like this: Go to bed at my normal time (11-midnight), wake up around 3:30. Lay awake until about 7:00, fall back to sleep and have horrific nightmares. So, so fun! And let me tell you, it makes my daytime mood super- good. Just ask S!

This week I finally starting going through the boxes of photos from my dad's house. I've separated them into piles for each of my siblings (photos of my dad with each of us) and will scan all the older pics onto disks. I tried to do this a few times over the past year and couldn't...but my brother asked about them recently so that spurred me to give it another try. Grief still sneaks up on me occasionally, usually in some very random and public place, requiring me to bolt from a dinner table or walk out of a store....it sucks.

Okay, I have picture frames to hunt down, so off I go.

Movin' on up!

2008-02-27T08:50:00.002-06:00

Guess what, America?! I won the "British National Lottery"!!!! Without even entering!!!!! All I have to do to claim my billion-dollar prize is send my personal banking information to an anonymous email address! Hooray! Swimming pools, movie stars!! Seriously, I know that these types of scams have been dissected ad nauseum but the big question has yet to be answered: WHO THE HELL FALLS FOR THIS? It's just a high-tech version of a pigeon drop (remember the first few scenes of "The Sting"?) and I can't believe that people, no matter how desperate their situations, would be dumb enough to fall for this crap. Stop being dumb, people! Right this instant! Or I will develop my own scam and retire off your money.

Hmmm...that gives me an idea...

IF YOU ARE READING THIS BLOG, YOU ARE A WINNER!!!!! TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE, PLEASE FORWARD YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, ADDRESS, BANK ACCOUNT INFORMATION AND A $1,000 PROCESSING FEE TO ME AT THE ADDRESS LISTED IN MY PROFILE.

I'm waiting, people...

You can fool some of the people some of the time...

2008-02-26T16:15:00.008-06:00

...and I dazzled THIS YOUNG'UN with enough bullshit that he gave me one of these:

Thanks, Cowboy! The rule of the E is that you are supposed to pass it along to ten others. So, in alphabetical order, here goes:

Cowboy The Cat: This fellow knows things. Scientific things. And he is both passionate and articulate about his beliefs - qualities I admire and envy.

Cranky: One of my imaginary sisters. Our combined forces of disdain would wither even the strongest ego.

Fairlywell: One of two people on this list I've actually met. More importantly, met and LIKED. Although she is a far better writer than me, which makes me hate her just a little.

Fresh Hell: My other imaginary sister. There are so many parallels in our lives it scares me. I bet it scares her even more, though.

Friday Films: Someone give this girl a book deal* already. I mean it. Lovely prose, thoughtful essays and just generally a good read.

Harriet: My first read every day. Mother of the luckiest kid in the world. She enlightens and entertains me on a daily basis.

Jozka: The other person on this list I've met and liked. We bonded over our love of beer and Flavacol-infused popcorn at the Gold Star.

Librarianista: A sister in the kicking of cancer's ass. Death, be not proud of the way this girl stared you down and got on with her life. Also, probably the coolest librarian in Seattle.

Myra Lee: A lovely Los Angeleno whose services I plan to engage when I sue the entire world for irritating me so.

The Bees Knees: I think I may have to make her another imaginary sister. She is funny and likes good music and is amused and pissed off by many of the same things as I am...

*Actually, every one of these people needs a book deal because they are excellent writers and I need some new reading material. Do you hear me, publishers?! Get with it!!

So, if I listed you and you feel like it, share the love with a few of your favorite internet peeps. (I just typed the word "peeps" and it wasn't in reference to Easter candy and that makes me feel a bit stupid.)

And um, that's it.

Yo mama is so stupid it took her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".

2008-02-26T14:00:00.004-06:00

Just back from a trip to Central Market, during which I witnessed a prime example of parental stupidity. There was a well-dressed woman in the bulk foods aisle with a kid (my age estimate; about 16 mos. old) in her cart. A kid to whom she was feeding jelly beans. A kid who kept gagging on the jelly beans. A kid who eventually threw up on herself from gagging on the jelly beans. After which the mom said to her in an exasperated voice, "Oh Hayley, now you have to eat papaya instead." The mom starts feeding the kid dried papaya chunks. Want to guess what happened with those? Way to asphyxiate your kid, lady. A bulk food worker who had been watching this approached the woman and told her she couldn't feed her kid out of the bins. The woman said nothing to the worker but said this to her kid in an annoyed/dramatic voice: "Give me the papaya, Hayley, I guess we have to weigh it before you eat it." That's right, you do. Instead of stealing it, you whore.

I want to emphasize that I fully recognize how difficult parenting is, how hard it can be to run errands with kids in tow and all that. But feeding a kid food she's clearly unable to chew is just fucking stupid.

No, my mood hasn't improved since yesterday. What are YOU lookin' at?!

Cranky, you got NOTHIN' on me today.

2008-02-25T14:55:00.007-06:00

*****

Everything is irritating me today. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

First irritation: Our lazy-ass postman, who refuses to bring packages up to the door because he's afraid of dogs. When my car is in the driveway, he sits out on the road and honks until I come out to get the package. If I'm not home, he leaves a slip so that I have to pick up the package at the P.O. The greatest irony here is that the dogs he is afraid of aren't even MINE. They're the neighbors' two ancient, fenced-in hounds who essentially bark at their own shadows. They're harmless. I've told him this numerous times to no avail.

Second: It is HOT here today (mid-80's), which had a decidedly negative effect on my energy level and subsequently, my walk. I alternate between a 5-mile and 9-mile walk. Today, it was all I could do to make the 5-mile. It was the worst workout I've had in a year. Bleh.

Third: This stupid bitch on the hike and bike trail who was running with her dog. She had the poor dog on one of those extender-leash things. Her pattern went like this - let out 25 feet of lead, the dog (being a dog) , stops to sniff something, she yanks the hell out of the dog to get it to catch up with her. I felt horrible for the poor dog. Doing this also meant that she was taking up about 25 feet of space on the path and people were having to swerve around her to avoid colliding with her or her dog. I wanted to throw an elbow at her when I passed, but didn't. Maybe next time...

Not irritating me: S., who is awesome. He is very tolerant of the "Hey kids, let's put on a show!" mood that overtakes me about this time every year. Only the show involves things like carting home plywood and shed-mending and yardwork. Thanks, honey.

Carry on, citizens of the intranetses.

Hawks vs. Doves

2008-02-24T16:23:00.004-06:00

Literally. This afternoon, I watched a hawk chase and kill a mourning dove in our yard. In its panic to get away, the dove smacked into the back of the house, then flew to a corner of the yard and sat in the grass. The hawk sat on the fence above it, waiting for it to try to fly again. The dove tried to fly but as soon as it was airborne, the hawk snatched it in mid-flight. Hawks are lovely, as are mourning doves and the whole thing was a little upsetting.

Other things I did this weekend:

__Bought a running skort. I don't like to walk in shorts because they hike up in the crotch. I also don't like to suffer heatstroke when I'm exercising. I'm hoping the skort, with its super-tight built-in shorts will keep me cool and stay in place. Besides, I'll look so cute and festive. *gag*

__Painted our old wicker laundry hamper. It was originally pink, then white and now it is a lovely shade of seafoam green, to match our ancient...er...retro bathroom colors.

__Bought and planted some flowers. Two kinds I've never tried - we'll see how they do. I got TWINSPUR in a lovely pale apricot shade and NEMESIA in a opalescent lavender shade. I also repotted some of our herbs and transplanted some of the OXBLOOD LILLIES we took from our last yard. Most of our outdoor plants made it through the winter with little or no attention from me...in fact, that's my general planting m.o. - put it in some dirt, keep it watered and hope it lives.

__Got a sunburn. It's been sunny and warm here for the past few days and in my euphoria over the nice weather, I neglected to use sunscreen. Even S. , who is a swarthy Italian-type, got a little touch of red from our walk yesterday. (He also got to see both the stinky hippie dude and Tressy. He made some comment about it being nice to see some of the victims of my poison pen...)

That's about it. Tonight I plan to eat homemade pizza and watch my FRIENDO win an Academy Award. Call it, Oscar.

Yoo-hoo, Claudia...Oh, Claudia!

2008-02-22T09:19:00.004-06:00

*****

You think clowns are creepy?
Meet MR. PUPPET.
Be sure to take a good, long look around the site. Meet the family! See the videos!
I dare you.

Items of business.

2008-02-21T10:42:00.003-06:00

To the cold sore that sprouted on my lower lip overnight: Where did you come from? You are ugly and painful and I want you to go away. Right now.

Remember when I told you of the suckiness that is John Aielli's radio show? Lest you think I possibly exaggerated how shitty his show is: he just spent 90 minutes playing various versions of "MacArthur Park". Why, KUT, why do you allow this idiot to hold your airwaves captive? I can't be the only one who feels this way. Rise up, Austin! Demand decent radio!

There's a debate here in Austin tonight, have you heard? We don't have cable so I will be watching it on the intranets. Maybe. Or I might just wait and listen to it on NPR tomorrow. I already know who I'm voting for and I doubt there will be sufficient new insight tonight to change my mind.

And finally, because I don't have much to say this morning, click through and enjoy this story:
“I hesitate to say I’m a clown because ... of the misconceptions of clowns, and that people might think I’m one of those clowns.”

Well you tried just for once and found it alright for kicks, but now you find out that it's a habit that sticks...

2008-02-20T10:16:00.007-06:00

So, in last night's episode of "Lass' Subconscious", I dreamed I was working for a wealthy couple. They suddenly disappeared and a neighbor of theirs called me because their dogs had been howling in the backyard. I went to the house and let myself in, fed the dogs and took a quick peek around the house. There were clothes and open suitcases and other things scattered around the house. In the dream, I had an uncomfortable feeling about these people while working for them - that perhaps their wealth came from less-than-legal means. So, I figured they had run into some kind of trouble and had left town.

As I was leaving the house, three cars pulled up in the driveway. The couple were each driving one and these sketchy guys were in the third. I tried to play it cool and told them that I was just checking the house, I figured they'd taken some spur-of-the-moment vacation and everything was fine and oh, I have to go now. I had parked in their garage and couldn't back out because the sketchy guys' car was blocking me in. Just as I was going to ask them to back up, three cop cars swarmed into the driveway and suddenly we were all getting arrested. One of the cops whispered to me, "We know you're not in on this but we have to arrest all of you to protect someone here." They handcuffed all of us and sat me on the ground next to the wife of the couple, who kept saying, "We're going to make this look like it was your fault." and I remember thinking, "Good luck", since I didn't even know what "this" was. Then she somehow got her cuffed hands in front of her and was trying to pull something out of her purse, which was on the ground in front of her. I told her not to, that they'd shoot her if they couldn't see her hands, but she kept doing it...and...one of the cops shot her. The end.

I can actually trace the provenance of this dream to a situation I had with my ex-employers in Chicago. I never wrote publicly about what happened there and I still don't feel like I can fully because the internet is but a mere paper screen between anonymity and 'oh shit, there's someone I know'...Suffice it to say that they were dishonest people who got caught and broke off our friendship because I wouldn't lie for them. In federal court. I guess I just don't have "that" kind of loyalty. And I am still pretty pissed about it, obviously. Anyway, I always think about them at tax time, so I'm sure that's where that dream came from.

Can I write some more about the aiiiiPod? No? Well, how about music? And the memories certain songs can evoke? On my walk yesterday, the music in my head stirred up memories of a junior high school friend (Melanie's Brand New Key), my sister's high-school crush on James Taylor (Fire and Rain), a bad date in college (Jailbreak by Thin Lizzy), a cute dance my little brother used to do at my parents' cocktail parties (Tijuana Taxi by Herb Alpert), my dad's funeral (Pack Up Your Sorrows by Judy Collins), my crazy Icelandic friend Habby (Abba's Dancing Queen) , S. and my wedding (Something's Got A Hold On Me by Etta James) and on and on. I especially loved walking to the Buzzcock's "Orgasm Addict" and wondering what my too-cool punk self would think if she could see me now....I can feel the sneer from here, young Lass...and you can keep it.

I watched "Ape Genius" last night and as is my habit when watching tv, I gleaned only the info. pertinent to ME. Which is, specifically, that I want a bonobo. Will someone please send me one? Thanks. I also found out that most ape research is ultimately meaningless because all of the researchers appeared to be in love with their subjects. Not that I blame them but there was, in my opinion, quite a bit of anthropomorphizing going on in the analysis of some of the experiments. And did I mention I want a bonobo?

I also want breakfast and since there are no animals, human, feline or otherwise who seem willing to make it for me, I must do it myself.

Tal-diddly-ho!

Monkeys, Monkees and the Man in Black.

2008-02-19T21:42:00.004-06:00

On my walk this afternoon, I realized that I have given many of my fellow walkers nicknames, without consciously meaning to. For example, there's Tressy, a middle-aged woman who is always perfectly (if helmet hair can be perfect) coiffed, dressed in some stupid Juicy Couture faux-workout outfit, talking on her phone. Or The Unabomber - a burly, creepy dude who is always clad in full sweats, hood pulled tight around his face and sporting the mirrored aviator shades. He also smells bad. There's another guy I've dubbed Mike Nesmith, because, well, he looks like a gray-haired Mike Nesmith. For all I know, he could BE Mike Nesmith. And if you don't know who that is, you are young and shouldn't be up late reading some boring old lady's blog.

The rest of the day was filled with much slacking and a little bit of housework. Inspired by CRANKY'S tales of organization, I am in the midst of an office cleaning/rearranging but I can tell you right now that it ain't getting finished tonight. It would have, but I got sidetracked by a PBS show about monkeys (obsess much?) and then a partial viewing of THIS KICK-ASS DVD. I also ate a bunch of chips with charred poblano salsa (thanks, honey!) and my stomach hurts.

Is this not the most fascinating thing you've read all day? I thought so. Now run along to bed, internet.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of Tums.

2008-02-18T10:32:00.003-06:00

I ate half a bag of THESE yesterday. Why? Because they tasted good, that's why. I love malted milk eggs and these are covered with a kind of strawberry-Qwik tasting covering. I'm like a cut-rate porn fiend when it comes to candy - the cheaper and nastier, the better. When I taste "good" chocolate I enjoy it but it doesn't evoke pleasant childhood memories, so...give me the waxy, pedestrian stuff of my youth, thank you.

Despite my somewhat, um, creative diet these days, I am managing to maintain my weight loss. How's this for "master of the obvious" - for a month or so I was still being really diligent about what I ate and then I decided that a life of counting points was no life at all. So I started walking 3-4 times a week and guess what? All that science is right. If you burn off more than you take in, you will lose or maintain your weight. Stay tuned next week, when I discover that trees are wood.

Today will be my first walk with the awesome aiiiiiiiPod. I've spent the last few days loading a bunch of goodies into it, including the Mothra theme song. (Once you hear it, you'll want it, too! Or it will be stuck in your head all day and you'll be on a plane, flying here to kill me.) I also figured out that while American Routes doesn't do a podcast, they do post their playlists so I've recreated a few of those for my aiiiiiiPod enjoyment as well. Have I mentioned how much I am enjoying my foray into the future with this gadget? The only potential drawback to walking with the gadget is that I'll be missing out on the bizarre snippets of passing conversation from my fellow hikers. I do enjoy those random peeks into others' lives, but I think I can live without them. Why? Because I have the Mothra theme song!!!!!!

In stinkier news, a skunk has apparently moved in under our house - he or she seems to particularly enjoy hanging out under my office. I actually like the smell of skunk in a "passing it in a car" kind of way. This is a bit more than I want, though, and I'm hoping the...wait for it...little stinker will move on soon. We have a black fluffy cat, so we're keeping the white paint put away lest he fall victim to some Pepe LePew sort of action, but other than that, I'm not sure what we can do to discourage the damn thing. Anyone have any tips?

Time to strap on the music machine and get out of here. Happy President's Day, everyone.

Chasing ghosts.

2008-02-17T11:05:00.004-06:00

I spent last night with the ex-charges, watching Bugs Bunny and eating popcorn and reading and writing stories. It was lovely. The younger is being potty trained (at the ripe old age of 3?!) and was peeing every few minutes so he could get his potty prize (a fruit snack). Older charge is fully recovered from his surgery and the results have been better than expected, so that was good to see. Apparently, the new nanny is not much of a reader and when I got to the house, the charges had already picked out a huge stack of old favorites to read. Older charge has been reading since he was two and has recently had another huge leap forward in comprehension and vocabulary - he was eager to read to me and it was great to hear his seamless narrative...

After they went to bed, I worked on the Dad article and thanks to some pointers from one of his ex-colleagues, I was able to find out some more snippets about his work, specifically the stuff he did for NASA. The company he worked for in the 60's is no more - it was, in fact, one of those "non-government, government" agencies - and getting information on what exactly they did has been difficult. I'm filing Fr33dom of Info. Act forms but I am not hopeful that they will yield much. (Except having a new file opened on me, I'm sure...whatever, Big Brother.) And take this for what you will but at one point last night, I was following a dim trail to some new information and a glass of water on the counter started vibrating. Hi, Dad!

This morning I was awakened by a weird dream and a sound - outside? - that somehow embedded itself in that dream. A sound like a baby crying or a hyena or if you're me, a hyena chasing a baby (because in my magical dream world, infants can suddenly stand up and run away from hyenas). I shook myself awake enough to realize it was two neighbor cats on our deck (Bootsy and Cinders, if you must know). Our cats were inside on the couch - growling and looking out at the dust-up. Goood morning!

Today is errands day and that means Target and that means goodbye to at least $100 because I am chronically unable to get out of that store without spending at least that much money....a syndrome shared by several people I know. Damn you, Target! Damn your end-caps filled with $5 towels and clearance racks full of cute shirts I don't really need but oh, it's only $6 and...just damn you, Target. To hell. But let me look through the stationery section first....

Guns don't kill people...

2008-02-16T15:50:00.006-06:00

*****

The idiots who sell them do. You would think that after selling guns to the VA Tech killer, THIS MORON might have had some moral misgivings about what he does for a living. Instead, we get these enlightened words: ""I'm still blown away by the coincidences," Thompson said Friday. "I'm shaking. I can't believe somebody would order from us again and do this." Huh. You sell glocks over the internet it never occurs to you that your customers might not be pure of heart and intention. Go figure, Einstein.

I realize that this dumbfuck is but a small part of a larger problem, but Jesus Christ. I fear for this world, people. I really, really do.

What do you do when you're branded?!

2008-02-15T22:03:00.007-06:00

Over the past few months, in a quest to further establish my writing identity, I've ordered small quantities of several styles of business cards. I wanted one traditional set for my fundraising work and another, hipper version for my freelance stuff, which tends to be less serious. (And which is non-existent right now, but that's another story...) Anyhow...I'd settled on some very nice 'serious' cards but still hadn't found a more fun style that I really liked. Until tonight, when I designed these:

Yep. Those ought to get me some good gigs. Hire the typing chimp! She'll do anything!!

I spent a good part of today marveling over my Aiiiiipod. I am my father's child when it comes to technology (he helped design the world's first nuclear submarine and the systems that helped send men into space but refused to ever touch a computer, much less learn how to use one...hell, the man never even owned a push-button telephone...but, I digress...) I tend to shy away from anything that requires me to learn a lot of new stuff and unfortunately, most electrical gadgets fall into that category. That said, go aiiiipod! You are teeny! Tiny! And you hold hours and hours of songs!!!I can't tell you how weird that is for someone who had one of these until she was in high school:

After that, I graduated to a fine RadioShack system (with cassette AND 8-track!) and from there I moved on to a dual-cassette boombox that I'd run through my old stereo speakers. Then, let's see, sometime in the late 90's I decided maybe I would try out those newfangled CD's everyone was talking about and bought a cheap compact Sony system, which I still have today. But oh my god, aiiiipod! It's love, America. I still have a turntable because I will never, ever give up my beloved record collection but I think that Jobs fellow may be onto something here...

Buzz? Meet kill.

2008-02-14T19:21:00.005-06:00

S. and I went out this afternoon for a lovely stroll and then an early dinner, which included several margaritas for me. In short, America, I am wasted. So...we get home and there are numerous, hysterical phone messages from my sister, none of which I can understand because she's crying so hard. I assume something horrible has happened to our mom and call her back.

Our mom is fine but what happened is THIS. On the campus where my sister's oldest son is attending a conference this weekend. By the time I called her back, she had spoken to his instructor - the kids are all fine - but, ack. Ack, ack, ack. I want to get on my old lady soapbox and rail about how disconnected we are in this modern world, but saying that to an anonymous audience over the internet would be tres ironic, no? Anyhow...people suck, society sucks and I am equal parts glad my nephew is ok and sad for the families of today's victims. I attended NIU - in fact, I had a math class in the very room where today's shootings occurred. The worst thing that happened to me in that room was on my 21st birthday, when my older bro. hired someone in a gorilla suit to come into the room and deliver a singing telegram to me. In front of 300 people. So yeah, times change...did I mention I'm a little drunk? Blah.

In other news, my kick-ass IPOD arrived today and while I admire its teeny size and seemingly magical powers, I feel too old and tired to figure out the technology involved to actually load music onto the stupid thing. Perhaps in the sober light of day I will feel differently. Or maybe I'll just ask my husband to set it up for me. (Fuck off, feminists - there are some things I really don't want to know how to do. )

And um, yeah. I need to go lie down. Tally ho, good citizens. Hope Cupid treated you all kindly today.

I choo-choo-chooooose you!

2008-02-14T11:37:00.006-06:00

No, I really do. I love you, internetses. With all my heart and soul. I'm not sure what's happening in that Valentine image - apparently, some ethnic school kids are being menaced by their scissors-wielding classmate. Kinda like how you are all held captive by my shitty, yet compelling words. Admit it. You love me.

My valentine got me an excellent bottle of wine and some candy and a candle and...a lucha libre mask. A lucha libre mask that has red hair sewn into it. It will hang proudly in my mask collection next to another creepy red-haired mask some friends gave me a few years ago. (You don't want to know...)

Enjoy the day of lurve, America.

Everyone knows it's windy.

2008-02-13T10:53:00.002-06:00

I delayed yesterday's walk until the wind had died down a bit and judging from the number of branches lying on the path, it's a good thing I waited. I like the outdoors but taking a branch to the head is a bit more of a nature connection than I care to have...And then I came home and undid all the exercise by eating leftovers from S.'s fancy Monday-night dinner and sampling the stuff he was making for tonight's dinner. *burp* Best thing so far: fennel-scented goats' milk sorbetto with toasted, sugared hazelnuts. Did I mention S. is a very good chef? 'Cause he is and I have the thighs to prove it, America.

I think I hear the sound of HEARTS BREAKING all over this great land. What a catch. A small catch - so small that, if he were a fish, you would have to throw him back - but a catch nonetheless. Stay strong, ladies. I hear Willis is still unattached.

I've been on a Melanie kick lately. Who is Melanie, you ask? THIS is Melanie. I think she's awesome, for a dirty hippie. One of the first 45's I bought as a child was "Lay Down Candles in the Rain". I had more or less forgotten about her until I heard something about her on the radio recently and started looking up her music. All hail Melanie!

I also recently heard Loudon Wainright III (Rufus's dad, to you whippersnappers) interviewed on American Routes. He played a song that featured his ex-wife and two of his ex-girlfriends one of whom was Suzzy Roche. Go figure. Incidentally, if you don't listen to that show, you should. It's really good.

Okay, I obviously have little to say here so off I go on my daily adventures in kind-of working and wasting time.

Cop dream!

2008-02-12T08:48:00.001-06:00

*****

Why, subconscious, why?

Last night's episode of "Lala: Supercop": I was having lunch at a very crowded restaurant located in some old, old building. I saw someone I knew and got up to go talk to them. I came back to my table and there were two guys I didn't know sitting there. I realized my wallet was laying out and I looked at one of the guys and said, "I'll take my ATM card and money back." He tried to tell me he didn't have it so I said, "I'm a cop, asshole. Give my stuff back to me, right now, or I am going to slam your head into this table so hard you'll forget your name." (Apparently, my dreams are written by whoever wrote "Baretta".) So he sheepishly hands my things back to me and then some kind of earthquake hits and the entire restaurant is collapsing. I climb OVER the two bad guys and save myself by crawling out a small opening while dirt and timbers are falling on my head. The end. Dr. Freud, Dr. Jung, Dr. Howard, please report to the operating room!

Weather? I am not happy with you. I need to walk and it is currently raining with 60mph wind gusts. Stop it, weather. Right now. Or I will slam your head into this table so har....oh.

I decided recently that I need some sort of portable music device for my walks. The last time I owned such a thing it was one of THESE and it weighed, oh, six or ten pounds. I don't exactly keep up with technology. In fact, I didn't buy a CD player until they had been out for about ten years, nor did I own a computer until about 8 years ago. But, I digress. I am about to be the proud owner of ONE OF THESE . I know, they make bigger and better and video-er ones but what I really like about this is it's teeny and I can clip it on my shirt while I walk. And it's all purty. And I am having them engrave "Bite me" on the back of it because I'm a classy grown-up like that. Yep.

I spoke to my mom about one of my dad's patents last night and she freaked out that I had been able to find it. Apparently, it was classified at some point. She alluded to others but it's doubtful I'll get access to those during my lifetime. So, so weird. I always knew he worked on "big" things but some of his work quite literally changed the world...as in, sent men into space. What for years was just my dad's job is suddenly seeming very overwhelming to me. S. and I were talking about this last night and I said to him, "The same gene pool that created him also created the person who is excited over a monkey t shirt." Ha ha, universe, you're funny.

In other news, my sister has two teenagers she'd like to sell off the highest bidder. In fact, I'm pretty sure she would just give them to you. Anyone up for a challenge?

I finally read PERSEPOLIS last week and...wow. I like some graphic fiction (Adrian Tomine is a fave) but I wasn't sure I was going to enjoy a comic depicting life in some of the bleakest days of Iran's recent history. Not so. It's so crisply written...very emotional but not melancholy or overdone. I dragged finishing it because I didn't want it to be over. (A habit I developed as a child...if I am reading a really good book, it may take me a week to read the last few pages because I literally don't want to be through with it.) Anyhow, if you haven't picked it up yet, do. Or I'll slam your...er...

Ok, I need to go off and at least pretend to be productive for a few hours. Enjoy your day, America.

Looking for clues.

2008-02-11T19:42:00.000-06:00

I'm finding out a lot of previously unknown things about my Dad. Nothing salacious or Maury-worthy - mostly stuff having to do with his work. Some of the projects he worked on, particularly later in his career, were classified - but he dropped big enough hints that we were able to figure things out. I have a few avenues into his work history that have turned up some "wow"-inducing info., including the fact that he held a patent on a major nuclear device in the late 1960's. According to my mom, he filed the patent but it was actually "owned" by the government. Not entirely clear yet on how that worked, but I'm hoping to get more information from the patent office later this week.

Piecing all of this together is starting to take a toll on my psyche. It angers and depresses me to be running around cyberspace trying to find him. There was very little chance to know him while he was here and now that he's gone, I'm left with historical facts and other people's impressions of him. That said, I think I knew him and understood him in ways no one else in my family ever did, but that is never, ever going to be enough...yet it HAS to be enough...and it sucks. Anyhow, enough handwringing.

My mom, the 77-year-old lifelong Republican, just called to tell me she has a job for me. What job would that be?, I asked. She wants me to get out and campaign for Barack Obama. Yes America, the woman who voted for Nixon...twice...is crossing party lines for the first time in her life. She told me a few weeks ago that she was "considering the dread crossover" and now that McCain is it for her party, she's bailing. I'm trying not to give her too much shit about it, but this is pretty huge. Rock over Texas! Rock on Obama! Go Mom!

I would gloat about our warm weather here but I'm reading about things like stuck eyelashes and broken tree limbs and spin-outs and fires so...I'll keep my mouth shut...while I apply lotion to my sunburn...

S. is off tonight doing a VIP dinner. He's been working from home this week and it's been nice to have him here, but I have grown so used to having the house to myself it's been hard to settle down and write. He's not particularly intrusive, I just feel like if he's here, I should be spending time with him...whatever. I'm sure things will fall back into routine soon.

I did not walk today and I feel like a slug. So tomorrow I will double up on the distance. Sportin' my cowboy monkey shirt, which arrived today. I could not be more excited.

That's it, internet. Nighty-night.

Hey internet, could you stop breathing so loudly? Please?

2008-02-10T10:05:00.000-06:00

My head, she hurts. S. and I were invited to a private pre-opening party for a new restaurant last night. Cocktails, two kinds of wine, a few beers and a couple of cigs over the course of the evening = bad head, worse stomach this morning. I am currently enjoying a fine, fine breakfast of Tums and Advil washed down with water and coffee.

The restaurant is lovely, although in my opinion the location leaves a bit to be desired. (Smack in the middle of the college drinking district.) The food was fantastic - I'm not a very adventurous eater (something that frustrates S. from time to time). But last night, fueled by booze and hunger, I had a few culinary firsts - among them raw albacore tuna (good) fluke (better), beef short ribs (really good). I drew the line at oysters, though. I don't think I will ever be able to eat something that looks to me like a huge loogie. Yuck. Anyway, the food was great, the company was lovely and a good time was had by all.

Another first yesterday - I bought tickets to the Willie Nelson concert at the Backyard. You know, the life he loves is making music with his friends and me, S. and our friend C. will be participating in that life in about two weeks. Yee motherfucking haw. I was going to get us tickets to see Willie at the Austin Rodeo, only because I also really wanted to see WHIPLASH, THE COWBOY MONKEY. The animal lover in me thinks, "What monkey really wants to ride a dog...and what dog really wants to run around with a monkey literally on his back?" but...damn it! Cowboy monkey! I settled for buying a t-shirt. Oh, won't I be the toast of the hike and bike trail when I'm sporting THIS? You know I will, America.

Ok, I need to eat. S. is prepping for a VIP dinner tonight so I need to get my eggs and get the hell out of the kitchen. I also need to get the hell out of this house and try to undo some of last night's self-inflicted grievous bodily harm.

Tally to the ho, intrawebs!

Straight to hell and happy to be going.

2008-02-08T21:43:00.000-06:00

Is it wrong that I laughed at THIS HEADLINE? Because I did laugh. Out loud.

At the lake.

2008-02-08T08:49:00.000-06:00

I am really enjoying my walks this week. Yesterday I passed Lance Armstrong on the path and resisted the urge to yell, "GO, LANCE!" right into his face. (Ok, I wouldn't really have done that but thinking about it made me laugh...) I always see at least a few people I know - usually moms from the charges' school or servers from restaurants S. and I frequent - never anyone I would bother to talk to but it's nice to see some familiar faces here and there.

Lately there seem to be more walkers than runners on the trail - I don't know if it's because I'm going later in the day or what. It's nice, though, because although the trail is wide and people are very polite about passing, I still have enough city-girl chops that I feel uneasy when I hear someone running up behind me. I've only once or twice passed some creep who was obviously just sitting there to watch women go by - that kind of shit is not tolerated very well down here and I have to say it's a welcome change from the daily cat-calls of a Chicago street scene...

Among other niceties along the trail are several water stations set up daily by Runtex. Each consists of two or three big portable tables loaded with ten or so large coolers of water and cups. In any other city, I would think you were crazy to drink water out of coolers that sit unattended all day. But I do partake of them here and they are a good way to motivate myself to hurry the hell up, if I'm thirsty.

I've seen shiftless hippie once since our last encounter - he gave me a sheepish look and flashed me a peace sign, a gesture so simultaneously sincere and stupid that I laughed and waved to him.

Are you asleep yet? No? Well then let me run down my day for you - errands (bank, Target, grocery store), maybe a walk, some yard work. There ya go, America.

Sad writing request of the week, courtesy of Goo-roo.

2008-02-07T09:56:00.000-06:00

****

Title: Pet Monuments and stepping stones
Project ID: XXXXXXX
Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Company Description: I would also like to start a pet cemetery. I hand
craft all my stones out of molded cement inlaid with stained glass.
Project Description:I need to establish a business so when I retire I will have an income to be self suffient. I know that I will not be able to work at my present job for very long do to my physical limitations. I make stepping stones out of cement and stained glass. I give special
rates to schools so the kids can use my product as a fundraiser. I use
their school mascot for thier design. Along with this I am expanding my
business in making pet monuments and would like to start a pet
cemetery. Many elderly people in my town have pets as their only companion and
have no idea what to do with thier pets when they die. My business
would help them with the burial of thier pet. I believe it is more
enviromently safer to dispose of the animals in a designated place than the
back yard. In order for me to accomplish my goals I need a work place and good
tools to make my stones. To provide a start up income and buy equipment.
Project Category:Proposal
Project Goal:The outcome of the grant would be benificial to me by providing an income and job security. I would be able to provide and help with land scaping and help control water runoff. It would also help with school prodjects of raising money for various causes. it would provide
closure for the people with pets living two have a place where they
can bury thier pets. it allows for people to have a grieving period and
forclosure when thier pet dies. I would a safe and well equiped
established business to make my product. and in the near future i will have an
income of my own and be at a job that will let me keep on working to
provide for my family .
Tax Status:For-Profit
Minority Status:No, my organization has not been granted minority
status.
Submission Targets Provided By:Professional
I need the following:Editing, Grant/Proposal Submission, Proofreading,
Research, Writing
I will provide the following to the professional:Concept, Research
In addition to the finished product, the professional must provide the
following:Concept, Draft, Outline, Submission Targets, Supporting Text
Desired File Format:pdf
Project Start Date:2/25/2008
Project Completion Date:4/14/2008
I want to receive project drafts via:CD/DVD/Optical Media,
Work Room, Server Upload
Payment(s) for this project will be processed via:SafePay Escrow
Additional Specifications for the Project:my project has 3 purposes to it. First is to provide an income and job security to support my family. Second is to provide a product that kids can use for a fundraiser for their activity. Third is to provide a pet cemetery for the people to
bury thier pets and have closure.

I've got the power!

2008-02-06T16:59:00.000-06:00

Took a very invigorating 8-mile walk this afternoon and am feeling better. Also making me feel better: THIS and THIS, which I ordered last week - they arrived this afternoon. I only exercise so I can eat crap like that and it is well worth it. *burp* I recently spent time with some current and ex-employees of the fine emporium from whence my treats came and am amazed that they don't all weigh 300 pounds, as I surely would were that kind of food at my daily disposal.

Within six minutes of each other, I received phone calls from five people today, three of whom I haven't spoken to in weeks. I guess my psychic distress signal was set to eleven, because the three out-of-the-blue calls were from people saying, essentially, "I felt like I should check on you today." And speaking of such things, there are several imaginary friends out there whom I love and appreciate very much. Thanks for the emails, lady-girls.

And now the sun is up...

2008-02-06T08:23:00.000-06:00

...and everything is just as bleak as it was last night. There are times when I wish I had kept this blog completely anonymous and hidden from those who know me...because there is much that goes unsaid here and much I would love to share but can't...perhaps I will email some of you later today so you can share in my abject misery. (Don't you hope you're on that list?!)

So...in lieu of a real entry, here are some more tidbits of useful information for you to carry with you as you walk through this mortal coil...

**Anyone who calls herself a "diva" is really just a needy attention whore. Anyone who refers to herself as "Redhead Diva So-and-So" in business literature is just stupid. And a needy attention whore.

**Trust your instincts.

**That pile of laundry is not going to do itself.

**The most irritating person in the world is someone who complains constantly about their lot in life but does absolutely nothing to change it. PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY, people! Know it, love it, use it to your advantage. And if you can't do that, please don't ever cross my path because my empathy for such people is nonexistent.

**Lather, rinse, repeat.

**Don't tug on Superman's cape, don't spit into the wind, don't pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger and you don't mess around with Jim. I mean it.

Tally motherfucking ho, internet.

America, if you learn nothing else from me, understand this:

2008-02-05T23:33:00.000-06:00

Never underestimate the ability of the world you think you know to suddenly become completely strange and unknown to you. And within that strange new world, don't be surprised if a teeny bit of your soul disappears.

I have to confess that my lightbulb-over-the-head moments have been few and far between, but tonight a bright, horrible light shone down and I had to acknowledge its presence.

Stupid light, and stupid me for not realizing it's been hanging there for months, blinding me.

You silent bastards!

2008-02-05T20:10:00.000-06:00

****

No comments on the awesome, soul-searching, stolen meme? I scared you all off with the Jesus Christ, Superstar information, didn't I? Wussies.

I spent the rest of the afternoon working out in the yard. And by "working" I mean poisoning ant hills and throwing out rusty buckets and killing unwanted plants. Whoever lived here prior to S. and me was craaaazy for the CENTURY PLANTS and overplanted them in the yard. We have one beautiful, huge plant in front of the house and a bastard-spewing smaller one outside our back door. I hacked out about six baby plants that were cracking the landscaping rocks and the back steps and let me tell you, I enjoyed every moment of my destructive frenzy. Die, plants, die! Your century-long life is denied! (Although the thought did occur to me that I was killing numerous potential bottles of tequila. Oh well.)

S. and I spent the weekend in his hometown and I just want to say this: Possibly the best side-benefit of my marriage is that with it come three awesome, amazing grandparents. His paternal grandma is in her 80's, still runs a modest cattle ranch, and is one of the smartest, most welcoming, accepting people I've ever met. His maternal grandparents are similarly cool and smart and full of great stories and better hugs. I love them all and seeing them is always the highlight of a visit down there. I never knew any of my grandparents and having these fine people in my life is a blessing.

Didja vote today? I didn't. Here in the United Texan Emirates, our primaries aren't until March 4th. I am weighing my options carefully. When my mom was in labor with me, she made my dad stop so she could vote before going to the hospital. (She'd applied for an absentee ballot but didn't receive it and was adamant that she had to vote before unleashing me on the world.) Who did she vote for, you ask? Tricky Dick Nixon. This has scarred me. The first time I voted, I cast my youthful ballot for THIS FORGOTTEN FELLOW because a cute boy I liked was voting for him, too. (What? There are worse reasons...)

And on that civic-minded note, I must leave you internet, for my train of thought has been derailed by bullshit once again. Nighty-night.

Stolen from the lovely FreshHell.

2008-02-05T14:31:00.000-06:00

****

Random Meme

1. What’s my favorite CD? The original cast album of Jesus Christ, Superstar. Do.not.ask.

2. Does my home have an attic? Yes, but I have never ventured into it for fear of snakes. Again, do not ask.

3. Have I ever been to Canada? Several times, most notably in 1966, when I went there to dodge the draft, despite the fact that I was five and a girl. Can't be too careful.

4. Have I ever gone fishing? Yes.

5. Have I ever seen a celebrity? Many. Most were highly overrated.

6. Have I ever been on a motorcycle? Yes. I love riding on motorcycles, but have never driven one.

7. How much money do I have on me right now? Without looking, I'd guess about 7 bucks.

8. How many cars have I owned? Four: Toyota Corolla, Ford Escort, Toyota Camry and now a Subaru Outback.

9. How many jobs have I had? Too many.

10. How tall am I? 5'3", but I tell people I'm 5'4" to intimidate them.

11. Last thing I yelled out loud: "Steve! Knock it off!" at the cat, who was scratching my leg.

12. Last person I was in a car with: My husband.

13. Last time I ate at McDonald’s: At least a year ago. I miss you, greasy fries!

14. Last thing I bought: A breakfast taco and a cup of coffee.

15. Last person I saw: S., who just came into my home office to update me on a looming work situation.

16. What is the temperature outside? 81, last time I looked, but it's going to cool off this afternoon.

17. What time of the day did I get married? 3 in the afternoon, in our backyard, right after a massive rain/hail storm.

18. Who’s birthday is coming up next? PJ's.

19. What time did I go to bed last night? Ten-ish, I think.

20. What are my plans for this weekend? Target, writing, yard work, maybe put some plants in.

21. Lemonade or iced tea? Neither.

22. What do I dislike at this moment? You DO know who you're asking, don't you?

23. What did I dream about last night? I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night.

24. What’s the last TV show I watched? Probably Judge Judy last week. Or a cop show. I dunno.

25. What is my favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding ring.

26. Am I a dancer? Yes, but I don't dance very often anymore.

27. Have I ever cut my own hair? Many times. And it shows.

28. What is my favorite treat? Cherry pie.

29. How many piercings/tattoos do I have? Pierced ears (double on one side), no tattoos.

30. Where’s my favorite place to be? My backyard.

31. Is there someone I haven’t seen in a while and miss? Ellen, Damon, Mrs. Rockstar, my dad.

32. Do I care what strangers think about me? Fuck you. Does that answer the question?

33. Who can I tell anything to? My sister.

34. What am I doing tomorrow? Laundry, maybe grocery shopping. Five-mile walk. Writing.

35. Do I have alcohol in my home? Beer and wine, but not much of either.

36. Do I like ketchup? On mashed potatoes or fries or meatloaf, yes.

37. Do I think I will be on a vacation this summer? Yes. Two weeks in California with my extended family. Unless some smart person out there wants to talk me out of it.

38. What colour is my master bathroom? Seafoam green.

39. Do I wear a bikini at the beach? Does a "tankini" count?

40. Have I ever been to the Grand Canyon? Been there, hiked that.

41. What is my favorite fruit? Yellow apples.

42. What did I really want to do today? Sleep.

Where've I been, you ask?

2008-02-05T09:13:00.000-06:00

Somewhere. Doing something. Why so nosy, interwebs? Maybe I am a Future B. I. agent and I was off on a secret mission. Conversely, maybe I'm all gangsta and I was off poppin' some caps in some asses. (I wish.) It's for me to know and you to find out. So ha ha. HA. And while I'm addressing you, internet, why am I suddenly getting between 10-15 hits a day from people Googling "young Morgan Freeman"? Stop it.

You know what Claudia sent me? Poo butt stickers. Did she send you some, too? If not, I heartily recommend you befriend her and get your own. I've already thought of many uses for mine. You'll have to ask her what I sent to her. She didn't seem too happy with it, which hurts my feelings. Deeply.

I have to go cry now.

Eat it, hippie.

2008-02-01T11:54:00.001-06:00

Remember when I wrote about the shiftless hippie dude who sits at Lou Neff Point every day of the year "entertaining" passersby? Well...let me relay a little story to you, internet. This morning was fraught with tension for a number of reasons, not the least of which was having to field a phone call from someone who is certifiably crazy...so let's just say that I was walking to rid myself of crazy-by-proxy and a generally kinda crappy mood. When I passed the point on my first loop, hippie dude wasn't there. On my way back, there he was singing and shouting comments to all who were unfortunate enough to pass his way. As I neared his spot, he called out to me, "HEY, RED!". As is my usual m.o., I ignored him. Then he shouted, "AW....COME ON, RED! I SAID HI!" So I stopped in my tracks, turned and shouted back at him, "HI, CREEPY!! FEEL BETTER NOW?" and kept walking. Fuck the hell off.

Despite that, I did arrive home in a much better mood, which was made even better by coffee and a huge omelet with bacon and toast. I love you, food!

Older charge came through his surgery just fine and I will be enjoying a long visit with him this afternoon. His mom called me last night to recap the day. I loved this: When he was in the recovery room, he was still almost completely out from the anesthetic. His mom and one of the nurses were sitting next to him, chatting. The nurse was listing all of her pets thusly, "I have three cats, two dogs and a ferret"; at which point older charge groggily chimed in with his his first post-surgery words: "That would be six animals in your house. That's too many." I do love that child.

In summation: I hate hippies, food is good, the ex-charge is awesome. Also, I smell. So it's off to the shower for some de-stink-ma-fication.

Tally to the ho, internet.

The most random shots.

2008-01-31T20:28:00.000-06:00

First, for you, Claudia. Soody-bah! Or just plain soo dee. Whatever. It reminded me of you.

Second, this fine item, which I took from the bathroom at the Mary Baker Eddy Library. Seriously, who has seen one of these since about 1973? I actually took a stack of them so if any of you like-minded sickos wants one, lemme know.

And finally, this. My sister's youngest two are extremely close. My niece was missing her big brother horribly all weekend and bought him a bunch of gifts. The morning we were leaving, my mom let her buy two donuts and she insisted on saving one to give to her brother when she got home.

Who the...what the...

2008-01-31T09:08:00.000-06:00

Oy, the dreams I'm having. Last night's included a pond full of puppies who were living underwater, a ghost who scared my sister so badly she tried to shoot it, being lost on some Alpine mountain road, etc. etc. No cop action, though.

Our semi-feral cat showed up this morning looking like he'd been on some kind of overnight recon operation. He was wet, muddy and (literally) covered with leaves. I couldn't get him to sit still long enough for a photo but he was quite a fright. There are times when I'd like to outfit him with a kitty-cam to see what he goes through in a day's wanderings...

The older ex-charge is having surgery this morning. I had made plans to go see him tomorrow, but his mom contacted me this morning to tell me he wanted to call me...so he did. Most of the call consisted of him listing all of the toys he got for Christmas, then in the middle of listing he said, "Oh, and I'm having a procedure today!" I said, "I heard...how do you feel about that?" "I'm kind of worried. They're going to put a mask on my face and I'll breathe in bubble gum flavor and fall asleep." Then back to the listing of the toys. He is a stoic kid but to hear him even a little worried brought tears to my eyes. Don't fuck it up, doctor.

If I have promised you an embroidered project or two, don't fear. I am starting my first project (for you, Claudia) this week. No promises on how quickly they'll be done, but I haven't forgotten those who asked. (And if you didn't ask and want something, email me and I'll tell you the fine patterns you have to choose from.)

And finally, I would like to introduce you to the one monkey I don't want, BABY JINGLES. I saw an ad for this in the National Enquirer (yeah, I read it, and if you don't, you have no idea of the hours of merriment you're missing). The print ad for this horror states emphatically:" This doll is not a toy. It is a fine collectible to be enjoyed by adult collectors.", words that somehow manage to make it seem even creepier.

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhchooooooo!

2008-01-30T08:42:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, S. and I did a 90 minute walk on the Town Lake trail. About halfway back, I started sneezing...and my eyes started watering...and I had no kleenex. So, classy lady that I am, I took off my socks and used one of them for a handkerchief. The problem? Cedar fever, which is a huge problem this time of year in Austin. I finally gave in and took some Claritin but I am not exaggerating when I tell you I sneezed from about 2 in the afternoon til shortly before 8pm. It sucks. Cedar levels are the highest they've been in three years. For those of you who have never experienced the freakiness of watching a cedar tree release its pollen, check THIS out. You can actually see clouds of pollen in some places (like our front yard). Yippee.

But enough of that, I think I promised you a little synopsis of the Boston trip, yes? First I need to lay out what I call the Five Stages of Family Vacation:

1. Anticipation.
2. Joyful reunion.
3. Irritation over trying to get indecisive group to make plans, people who take too long to get ready and overtired youngsters.
4. Alcohol consumption by all to take the edge off the togetherness.
5. Relief mixed with tears at parting.

My Friday flights were pretty seamless and by the time I got to Boston my sister, mom and nieces were relaxing in the hotel room after an afternoon of shopping. My younger niece A. (6, author of Pizza Girl) was very excited because our hotel offered a chocolate fountain in its library every evening...and we were going to partake BEFORE dinner. And we did. My nephew met us at the hotel shortly after that and we went ate at THIS WONDERFUL PLACE, where we were waited on by a woman with the thickest Boston accent I have ever heard. Almost indecipherable.

The next day, we got up and dined in the hotel restaurant. Our waitress, who was probably in her fifties, looked at my mom and said, "Oh, here's Grandma! Good morning!". People say I have a deadly dirty look. They should see my mom's. I think the waitress immediately realized she'd made a mistake because when she brought the bill, she told me she only charged us about half of what we should have been charged because "You guys didn't eat much." Good move, lady, but my mom still thinks you're a whore.

That day, my older niece acted as tour guide. I wanted to see the MAPPARIUM , which is located on the Christian Science grounds, so we made that our first stop. It was kick-ass. It's a three-story glass globe, bisected by a glass bridge that you walk across. I am usually afraid of heights, but it didn't bother me in the least. They do a little light presentation showing how the world has changed since the globe was installed in 1935 and then you're free to roam around the museum. The religion itself seems combine homeopathy and faith healing (thanks, but I'll keep my Tylenol), but it was interesting to see some of the biographical information on Mary Baker Eddy. There were some interactive exhibits that allowed you to click and drag words to create poems based on different themes (spirituality, relationships, etc). A. loved these and created the following two "poems".

Relationships: "I love bubbles." Work: "I am full of learning."

I had forgotten what a beautifully old and European-looking city Boston is. It was nice to stroll a few miles through the narrow streets. Our second stop Saturday was the MFA. Sorry Chicago, but the Art Institute can suck it. Seriously. What a beautiful museum. We had lunch in their cafe and then went a little crazy in the gift shop. We also took a tour of older niece's campus. As we walked through the cafeteria, every table held singles or groups of people using laptops or talking on cellphones or texting and I suddenly felt very, very old. Computers were in labs and cell phones hadn't even been invented when I was in school. Yikes. Their cafeteria did have one wonderful modern addition - its own Starbucks, where we spent a good hour warming up with coffee and video games. Younger niece held up remarkably well and after a brief rest stop at the hotel, we ate dinner at THE RED FEZ. Yum. (I have to pause here and say we wouldn't have known where to eat because my niece and nephew are broke college kids who never go out - but thanks to the lovely Allie and her brother we had some great meals.)

Sunday morning we taxied over to the niece's apartment and then walked to the ISABELLA STEWART GARDNER MUSEUM. Room upon room of incredible art and artifacts. One of the rooms was closed off for a concert and as we roamed the building, the sounds of a violin and cello drifted up around us. In the early 90's, the Gardner suffered a major theft (which is what will happen when you essentially leave your shit unguarded), so in some rooms there are empty frames and cases where the stolen works once sat. While we were there, the guards were radioing each other about a woman who apparently likes to pay her admission and then relieve herself in a certain gallery. Have fun with that, guys.

We stopped by the nephew's dorm and then headed out in two cabs for a late afternoon lunch at a place recommended to us by one of older niece's professors. At the professor's suggestion, I had called ahead to be sure we could be seated in the dining room rather than at the bar or the crowded bistro area. When I got to the restaurant, the hostess had told my mom and sister that we couldn't be seated in the dining room...so I waited until the manager came over to the host stand and very apologetically and politely asked him if we could. He looked at the hostess and snapped, "Why didn't you seat them?". Gulp. I went over to my mom and said, "We're getting a table in the dining room." She asked me what I had said to the manager. I told her I said, "You see that old lady over there? She's going to fuck.you.up. if you don't get us a better table." My mom's nonchalant response, "I might have." We were cold and a little cranky at that point....

I think my favorite moment of the trip came Saturday night, when my younger niece and I were the only two awake. We got out of bed, sat in the window seat of our hotel room and watched the nighttime city life pass by. This was about as foreign to her as looking out on a moonscape. She loved it and it made me remember what drew me to live in a big city for as long as I did.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start my five-hour nose blowing session for the day.

My grain.

2008-01-29T09:25:00.000-06:00

Hello America and all the ships at sea. I have returned from Boston. So very much to say, but I want to post first about my dream life, in which I have apparently become a cop. I give you three dreams, the first two I had while in Beantown and the third I had last night:

Dream One: S. and I are vacationing in a South American country. Some guy grabs my leg suggestively. I shove him off me. S. comes up and we end up chasing this guy and his gang and arresting all of them, despite the fact that neither of us is a cop. Somewhere in there, we realize this and we run off down a dirt road before the gang realizes this and kicks our asses.

Dream Two: Some guy has done something bad (can't remember what it was) and I start chasing him through the public alleys in Boston. I am screaming at the guy, "Stop! I'm a cop!". As I run, I think, hmmm...what am I going to do when this guy stops and realizes I'm NOT a cop? Thankfully, the dream changes before I have to find out.

Dream Three: S. and I have moved to a kind of sketchy rural area. I'm in the house by myself one night. I hear a noise and see two people trying to climb in one of the windows. I yell to them that I called 911 and they better get lost. They laugh, and they and two of their friends kick in our front door. I continue trying to call 911 but every time I dial the number, I get some indifferent city employee who tells me yes, I dialed 911 but that's the number for the dog pound. While this is happening I am yelling at the intruders to take whatever they want and get out. I never actually feel threatened by these people but I decide I better try to get outside and make some noise. So I back toward the only exit, all the while screaming at these people and trying to reach the police. Suddenly S. is on the phone. I tell him what's going on and within minutes he and the police arrive. The police catch all four people and S. is walking toward them, ready to hit them when I wake up.

In real life, S. IS my hero because he not only went out to get coffee beans for me last night but he also brought me headache medicine in bed this morning after I woke up with the beginnings of a nasty migraine (which, thankfully, I think I caught early enough to vanquish).

The end for now. Back later with travel tales and pics.